{SWING}

before i go back, i already know things are changed
today i went back
i didn't do to much, maybe a little bit less than i can
i'm glad anyway
it is not really happy, a little bit painful to accept the truth
but it is good to know it
and im calm

i realize those are officially in the past
it doesn't hurt any feelings
it just you cant make it back
it is kinda sad that u can see i'm losing it, maybe they do
but they are fine with that, and i need to, too

just honest about myself
i'm sorry, and i hate to use this word "the thing is"
the thing is, i can't
there are some really important reason that i have to hide my real feeling

i'm tired
and frustrating because i cant make things as the way i want
i can't please anyone
even i try hard, sometimes i try harder, it goes wrong....

i'm tired
to deal someone i dont like just for getting some info of the person i like
i'm tired i'm far away from what i wanna get
i'm tired i need to grow up
i'm tired
i'm clam, but im tired
i hate myself needing for comfort so i do something i dont like

what i want?
what makes me upset?
what is important to me right now? what is my stake?

i'm fall in love with someone
but the thing is i'm not sure am i really fall in love with him or it is just some illusion?
maybe i shouldnt care about the illusion, a feeling is a feeling.
a choice is a choice, even it may be a wrong one, at least u make ur decision.
i dont' know if its right for this situation
but i know i really like him
but the thing is he has gf. so for me, that is end of the story.
(i hate when i use "the thing is" unconsciously)
maybe i should try just like my sister, just tell him
even i already can predict the answer : "sorry, you know i have gf"
and if he doesn't like his gf, i will do something i will never think i will do
but i think he does
so, as cancer as me (selffulfill...)
i choose stay where we are, i just wish i can be top of his good friend
but the time, and maybe ME, is not good enough...
if i can be there 247, maybe i will achieve it
because we were have a really good time together until i leave
maybe he always have a good time with every girl around him
i kinda believe so
u can see girls are addict to his kindness
for a while i was angry (amazingly just for a while, and it just pass away so fast, and my feeling to him didn't really pass away,....)
and i do the same thing as him
i treat everyone nicely
even i already do that the first day i came here
but at the time I did that with more purpose
but it didn't works out.
i didn't feel better when i did that
because people will treat me nicely, they love me more
but all i want is his attention.
stupid!

Now i know
i can catch his attention when i'm there
but someone else can do that if they try the same thing as me
I know i can catch people's attention
because i'm always sending the message "here! here!" try to make some sparking with my small eyes
and it usually works
so i know i can catch his attention, i dont know because he really likes me more or i just got a gift...
i know when he talk in a group of people, or more than 2 people
his eyes will only on me, maybe it is because i got the "see me see me" gift
actually i'm a good listener, i think... i believe so, i hope so.

i know we had a good time together, even i can have more if i notice he is a good boy earlier, or i can stop addict to another person earlier.
i'm kinda stupid
i can have a amazing relationship with a person who will makes me addict and may hurt me at the same time
but i'm too afraid about being hurt
so i escape, not really escape, i do nothing
and it push him away, he revenge or he doesn't care at all
maybe i just made something stupid
but if i can choice one more time right now, i will make the same choice, and quicker...

today i went back
and i know they are not miss me as i miss them
i'm kinda outsider
i'm a sweet heart
but a sweet heart that are far away
and i'm not important enough to make them think about me everyday
shit!

ok
now, i just wanna to be his best friend in here, at least top 3
i'm sure i'm top5, because there are not a lot of people are competing with me
second, he treat me more like a girl than a family or friend.....
i'm not sure it is a good thing
because we can't go any farther as a boy and a girl
but we can go farther as friends
so....i'm not sure its a good thing. i'm glad it seems i'm more than a girl than a regular person to him
but the sad part is we cant go any farther, and that becomes a wall

ok...
so i need to change our relationship to be pure friend
i dont know about him, i will never know
but i think maybe i'm the kinda person that can be friend with man
i will always think about other things
i will fall in love with them
or i will scare of them

but at least this time, i'm tired of it
i just wanna be his friend, it is more easier, and it is what i can do most...
but maybe i shouldn't think of it anymore

tomorrow, i will see him again
next week, i will see him again
if i really make some stupid plan, i will live with him again
if everything goes in my way, i will have an half year
but, if i'm stupid enough, and he accept that.

to think in a clear mind
what is good for me
i know, i need to find new friends here
new things new person to rely on
i need to focus on my study, and do it the way can be most benefit to my future.
i need to improve my english a lot, that's for sure
but how to?
I think i need to spend time with native speaker....
i hope i can find a good friend who are native speaker

huuuuu......
i hate when i like someone, and i have to find the prove to prove they like me, and find the reason to dislike him
it is tired
and i dont know if i learned anything from it

i think i learned something today
do as much as you feel
if you dont feel that way, but u wanna to do that, feel first.

what about those feeling it shouldnt show up?
maybe just stop to feel in that way
it is sad, shit!

if u ask me what is my true feeling and what is the thing i wanna do just as much as my feeling
i want to take care, to cheer up her, and everyone i care about
and stick to him
but things dont going that way right?

see u tomorrow
i'm looking forward to it

btw, i need to learn to manage my time and my weight
if i cant wake up in the moring
if i cant manage my time as i want
if i cant manage my weight
that means i'm a loser
but being a loser doesn't hurts me
what will hurts me?
no one loves me?
i need motivation.....