熱情砸爛的攤子/

妳以為妳可以只是玩玩
沉迷在短暫肢體的可能
省略情緒的後果
妳最多在離開時親吻她額頭
但她眼裡的某些東西無預警地
引起妳的注視。使妳想要更靠近
讓妳留了下來。那琥珀、水晶般
霓虹、陰鬱的夜晚假說。必定是
那街燈，滲透進了窗口發覺
妳未出口的慾望
想要更靠近。妳以為

必定是那類似在陌生國度旅行
的新鮮感，使得她留下
這間旅館裡的浪漫程度
任由酒精的濃度而更改
妳們同時都遺失了地圖
在這陌生的城市，碰巧
說著同一種語言並
覺得彼此都還長得可愛
於是就回到同一張床上
蜷曲擁抱著彼此的身體
渴望
家。但那必定不是一齣意外
當妳環抱著她時，發覺
她的身體像是關於家的概念
那麼熟悉

妳以為比起愛的災難
無愛的孤獨算不了什麼
但那個公園的夏日午後
穿過她髮線的每一絲光
剝落妳心的厚繭。每一個吻
哀悼妳再也不會看見的大愛
美好悲劇。必定是
那些高中制服少女的電影
抽象現實的難度
無論是那配著草原電音的愛撫鏡頭
或是她靠著妳的肩膀而她的髮
聞起來像是大麻籽麝香雨水或
妳肋骨中荒蕪的島嶼，妳都被
說服了，妳們將有的簡易和平
未來。必定是

愛的悲傷阻止了妳對她傾倒
所有感情或者甜美夢境。妳以為
妳可以只是玩玩，但這快樂
搗亂著妳的心跳像是星河的波
那裡過去是一片四度空間的大霧
當她在妳耳裡細語關於
愛。妳的宇宙以她雙唇的中心
安靜地
旋轉

妳從紐約回來，穿著新買的波紋短裙和靴子。妳在brooklyn擁擠的女同志夜店裡被一群white hipsters包圍時想念我了。原來在人群中不再被其他人吸引可以是一種正向的情緒。原來喜歡一個人並且被擁有可以是快樂的。舊有過的感情不是錯誤，只不過事情該是可以更簡單的。沒有壓力、沒有無謂的心理戰或者防衛機制。在這個戰事連連的時代，只要在妳身邊聽著妳臨床諮商的個案都覺得和平。有時候我擔心妳的太過美好，若是在路上被誰拾走該怎麼辦呢？我能做的也就是專注於我們現在有的快樂。總是開玩笑說，關於妳偏愛的華裔男同志樣女孩，並使用妳慣用的心理和anti-oppression語言，我想西雅圖沒有幾個了。我們的年齡差距也變成妳一種故意營造神秘感的scandal。oh yeah she is younger... and she is Chinese!!! now you just love to say that。

is it really happening？巧的是我們曾經都太容易被黑暗的人吸引。這是心理人/社會工作者的通病嗎？凌晨三點我們從夜店走回家，整晚被過量的正向情緒淹滿。我想告訴她我多喜歡她但是沒有準確的字句來形容，於是我告訴她我想要的。我想要的是妳我想要妳是我的女朋友。雖然我們有一個充滿不好預兆的開始，外遇／劈腿／開放關係／一夜情，事情意外地順利進展著。她說，我從來沒有這種感覺，想要完全擁有一個人。好不習慣這字眼，女朋友。她說。妳得開始練習了我說。於是我出現在她的夢裡而她出現我和每一個人的話題。我把她變成一個morning coffee drinker，而她讓我開始完全不在意早上七點頂著蓬頭亂髮在她公寓樓下咖啡廳享受美好早餐。陪她去搭上班的公車後走會自己的車上開回學校，我感覺我有著一種雙重生活而感覺神秘並且甜蜜。我們聽同樣的樂團，抽同牌的煙。她的公寓有著無數的小盆栽。我給了她一打的種子。以及牙刷。充滿著保守的象徵意義。

那真是一個完美的早晨。結束昨晚tricky的show走回她家，剩下一些醉意我們做愛。早晨被樓下咖啡廳裡的濃縮機喚醒。她擁懶地轉過身給我一些吻。我們在中國城吃了粥，然後回到到首都丘的公園裡漫不經心地走著，看著同志情侶溜狗，說著第一次碰面時就有的不該有的暗示。在長椅上她握著我的手靠著我的肩。幾乎感覺是戀愛了。但我們的躊躇比今年的春天還能等待。我們對感情的容量不是太過空洞就已太過滿溢。至於剩下心底累積了那麼多話說不明白。到底誰是誰的感情跳板？我們對愛的想像都結束的太早。兩隻試著過度理智的蟹子。那這些莫名的焦慮又是從何而來？星期日晚上當她把我送回我車旁，一整個開回家的路，所幸只有十分鐘的長短，我感覺比兩個禮拜前都還來得空虛。我不想要有這樣的焦慮、不想要有這般的空洞、這樣沒來頭的憂傷感。因為這都是來自對一個人的渴望，而擁有渴望就代表著將要來的墜跌。我卻還沒有準備好去承接或去享受那樣的墜跌感。我總是太快就讓自己陷入慾望假扮愛情的愉悅感，然後焦慮著愛情的真誠度本身--但是那原本就不是我一開始時要的呀

我在長榮休息室給自己調了杯威士忌可樂，身邊都是一些中年的異性戀夫婦，和幾個用叉子吃著台式米粉的白人。收到她的簡訊心的確是糾了那麼一下。一年飛這麼多次我已經對分離習以為常，但為什麼我還需要喝這什麼強尼走路黑標？我知道一部分的我是壓抑著的。於是在電話之中也不再使用想念的字句。由於心底的感覺比文字還要沉重太多，就乾脆不說了。究竟要多少分離我們才能坦誠相愛呢？是要飛行的但是身體的感受更像是遠洋之類的低於地平面的活動。呼吸緩慢。看著別人的情色文學，想像自己的身體也是被愛著、被慾望著。為什麼我想起那人時臉孔都是那麼地模糊。此刻我只想要自己的身體完整地、完整地填滿。我寧願藉由身體的飽和感來遺忘愛被長時期分割的焦慮。用視覺長期滯留的性的記憶來假裝美好，這是我此刻唯一能做的...

戲碼總是這樣繼續的。當我好不容易感覺和angela重新靠近時，lindsay在gchat上毫不預防地傳了訊息給我：i broke up with my boyfriend。理智動搖著。我幾乎非常確定怎樣的選擇是健康的，當在即時的慾望面前我對自己沒有一點把握。我努力維持不興奮的狀態禮貌詢問她的感覺，尊重她如何地需要時間去療傷。她說，我很開心接下來我們會有更多的時間相處，但我需要一些空間，因為我希望自己對妳是完全真誠的，而不只是把妳當做療傷的工具。我心理想著：我並不介意被當成誰的療傷工具，在這個階段。我大概沒有比現在更恐懼承諾過。我知道angela愛我，我一直提醒著自己。但是對於一個二十一歲的人擁有一個人生伴侶又是多實際的事？我沒有答案。這禮拜六她就又要走。我不斷回避著對她感覺親密。我沒有辦法應付離別。沒有辦法應付機場。沒有辦法應付暖過後又冷卻的雙人床。我說，這幾個禮拜妳寵壞我了。我又得重新練習一個人的忙碌、一個人的晚餐、一個人的深夜電影。一個人的心碎和冷感。

情人節－－我們在反異性戀單一伴侶消費主義的酷兒派對。其實根本就不在意這種節慶了，重點是我知道lindsay會在那裡。過農曆年的飲茶以後我就沒有辦法忘記這個女生。白人和華人混血二十六歲的社會工作者。她有男朋友，我曉得了，但是又怎麼樣呢？上禮拜二時後我們一起吃生魚片，我就知道有什麼應該會發生。我們只是一人一手拿著雞尾酒聊天，傳著場內人的八卦。在樓上的房間裡喝醉的傢伙唱著俗不可奈的八零年代英文老歌，我們開始握著手，然後更多的碰觸－－凌晨兩點，小閣樓中還剩下八個人，我們接吻。我說，今晚和我回家好嗎？她說，妳知道我很掙扎。。。我說，先讓我把我朋友送回家，我就去妳家找妳。她點頭。凌晨三點。她一人的雅房中點著蠟燭，放下車鑰匙後我們就開始接吻。三小時的性，直到六點天亮。床離牆頭挪動了至少一公尺。她說，接下該怎麼辦呢？我說，妳做什麼決定我都尊重妳。過度理性的結果是，一頓她做的鬆餅早餐，附加另外三小時的吻。她說，妳知道嗎？禮拜二晚餐結束後，我想著妳在家自慰。我想要把這個女人摺疊帶回我的公寓．我想要延長這有期限的激情。但是她說，我必須讓妳知道，我目前仍想繼續待在我和我男朋友的這段感情裡。我說，妳做什麼決定我都尊重妳。i had a really good time after all

我對小島期望的一切其實就是這麼簡單的一些。從機場搭車南下沿路的小稻田和很鄉土的廣告招牌、加肉鬆的滷肉飯、累壞了在沙發上睡著的媽媽、終於微笑了的家人、播放著完全不搭的動作洋片海產店、在公園繞了無數圈討論作品中藝術家的主體性、在bloody試圖說服自己單身是一個對時局非常適合並且健康的狀態、令人害羞在車站牌如同高中生般的接吻、擁擠的夜晚小巷道叫賣的人群、談論著股票和保險年長的(ha!)老朋友、被誘惑著又在這些狀似夏日夜晚的涼風下抽了煙、令我想念卻不願破壞任何平衡的......希望可以一直這麼自然並且維持幽默感地坦承依戀。雖然她們都說這樣不好。打了的簡訊又一個一個字刪除。在房間和自己的理志精鬥爭疲力竭的聽著russian red: "i'm not taking, i'm not, i'm not fading/i'm not falling, you're not, your not falling/cause you just hold it inside..."

希望回到被大雪淹滿的另一座城市，我仍然是能記得這十多天不斷撞擊我對於小島整個概念的這些依戀。

i tried so hard not to run into objects or living things or street lights
just because they might seem more alive and warmer than i was
after you shut the car door
and i waved inside the car while you weren't even looking
so many words left unsaid
so many questions left unanswered
you asked what i'm doing here with you
my thoughts were not anymore clear than yours
all the mess was condensed into this mixed cd i made you
full of the word love in a post-structuralist sense
frantically repeated it after you were gone
like i could be precise about what i actually wanted to tell you
anger, sexual impulse, helpless possession, agony,
loneliness which leads to several mistakes of self-destruction
and brief moments of sweetness that i keep indulging myself with
FEAR.FEAR.FEAR.
if this is what love means, i fear,
fear for falling for you again you said i love you do you know
and all i could think of was you, perhaps laying in bed with your lover
telling her the exact same sentence
i love you do you know
with the sincere eyes i keep falling for
fear occupies me and i just really want to break something
i cant allow myself breaking you so i start breaking things near me
notes in pieces, songs in pieces, glass in pieces, cloth in pieces, love in
pieces. buttons fall off from the shirt
i forgot why i was even having sex with these people
i guess i just wanted to be destroyed somehow
so you could only collect pieces of me left from this war
of jealousy and inaccessible love
collect pieces of me into your pocket
own me. i want you to claim me
as much as you hate these words that remind you the whole discourse
of fucking monogamous love
i feel so upset that
this is exactly what i want
and what i can't have

and i really wouldn't mind you sharing pieces of me with others
i could just never feel complete, and never
safe. like a product on assembly line being equally distributed
and fairness would be a total lie
because i would always save up so much raw material
to make a blanket that could just barely cover both of us
the rest of them would be soaked in rains and, look
i really don't fucking care
love is a risk and never fair and there's just something so romantic
about the potential loss and danger

desires are absolutely beautiful, how could i deny it
if i didn't have them, i would have probably died three years ago
and thats why i want to think of these fragile pieces of romantic details positively
thats exactly why i repeatedly play these songs about love
almost like i'm obsessively trying to get over my fear about this word
until what i could only think of were your lips
so close and warm
and i could kiss you after you said you love me
without crying
without feeling like a disaster
without wanting to break something near, either you
or me.

you say you want to destroy me
in the front seat of your car
sometimes you want to break me
and now i know i've fooled you.
i'm a porcelain doll in the small hands of a girl
who is imaging me, make believe
i'm not alive, not really.
empty eggshell skin.
delicate. inanimate. disposable.
my chest is a hallow space that echoes.

you say you want to destroy me
and i think maybe i will help you
because i want so much to please you.
like a month ago, that was after
you cried and said your sister was fanatical
and your mother blamed you for not being around.
but you're so cute when you call later
drunk and worrying that
i'm disappearing you say
i'm disappearing
i guess you realized i wasn't breathing
that i have no lungs for air to fill and exhale
on the windows, fogged.
my church is this invisibility.
loving you exposes my inability to nurture.
like a little girl holds a plaything
gentle and inadequate
hides her love in complex folds
of fear so cleverly that soon
not even she can find her love
anymore.

and this is agony,
and this is safe.

you say you want to destroy me
and i think maybe i will help you.
help you means know you means
i'm afraid of you means love you
means i'm sorry.

you say you want to destroy me
and you are so alive
i don't know how you haven't yet.