熱情砸爛的攤子/

i tried so hard not to run into objects or living things or street lights
just because they might seem more alive and warmer than i was
after you shut the car door
and i waved inside the car while you weren't even looking
so many words left unsaid
so many questions left unanswered
you asked what i'm doing here with you
my thoughts were not anymore clear than yours
all the mess was condensed into this mixed cd i made you
full of the word love in a post-structuralist sense
frantically repeated it after you were gone
like i could be precise about what i actually wanted to tell you
anger, sexual impulse, helpless possession, agony,
loneliness which leads to several mistakes of self-destruction
and brief moments of sweetness that i keep indulging myself with
FEAR.FEAR.FEAR.
if this is what love means, i fear,
fear for falling for you again you said i love you do you know
and all i could think of was you, perhaps laying in bed with your lover
telling her the exact same sentence
i love you do you know
with the sincere eyes i keep falling for
fear occupies me and i just really want to break something
i cant allow myself breaking you so i start breaking things near me
notes in pieces, songs in pieces, glass in pieces, cloth in pieces, love in
pieces. buttons fall off from the shirt
i forgot why i was even having sex with these people
i guess i just wanted to be destroyed somehow
so you could only collect pieces of me left from this war
of jealousy and inaccessible love
collect pieces of me into your pocket
own me. i want you to claim me
as much as you hate these words that remind you the whole discourse
of fucking monogamous love
i feel so upset that
this is exactly what i want
and what i can't have

and i really wouldn't mind you sharing pieces of me with others
i could just never feel complete, and never
safe. like a product on assembly line being equally distributed
and fairness would be a total lie
because i would always save up so much raw material
to make a blanket that could just barely cover both of us
the rest of them would be soaked in rains and, look
i really don't fucking care
love is a risk and never fair and there's just something so romantic
about the potential loss and danger

desires are absolutely beautiful, how could i deny it
if i didn't have them, i would have probably died three years ago
and thats why i want to think of these fragile pieces of romantic details positively
thats exactly why i repeatedly play these songs about love
almost like i'm obsessively trying to get over my fear about this word
until what i could only think of were your lips
so close and warm
and i could kiss you after you said you love me
without crying
without feeling like a disaster
without wanting to break something near, either you
or me.