熱情砸爛的攤子/

我想我是不是在考驗我的腦力和體能極限來迴避感情的極限？這個學期忙到一不小心會開錯實驗室的門。三個研究助理計畫案，加上因為快要畢業而使盡全力做行動主義組織的事情，深怕自己很快就老去無力一樣，八點到校，十一點回家，我和我的家具出現分離的障礙關係。是新年吧今天？昨晚在re-bar的cherry night，整間店裡沒有一絲空隙可以走動，全西雅圖的女同志都在。我病剛好也不敢喝多，只是很開心能和朋友跳舞。凌晨三點半到家，也睡不了，六點又醒來，中午和jane mee一群人去中國城吃飲茶－－認識一個超可愛的華裔酷兒女生！！！一開始我完全不曉得她是華人，鮑伯頭髮，幾乎混血兒的臉，更不用說她是雙性戀這件事，所以我連她的名字也沒有仔細聽清楚。我的選擇性注意力在酒醉的早晨更是明顯，話題不知道怎麼講道我和家人出櫃的事，然後這個女生說，我和我心理治療師的媽媽出櫃時她也是死也不信！我必須承認在那之後我多看了她非常多眼。我真應該要和她要電話的。damn it--我連她的名字都記不清楚。但至少在這裡遇見感覺很酷的華裔酷兒女生讓人對未來增加了一絲希望：這個新年是個好開始！外頭飄著棉花雪。我已經受夠了對中華文化充滿異樣熱忱的白人女孩，是該轉換跑到的時候了？

為了分散焦慮，我開始私下追蹤女性研究課裡一個拉大提琴的法國裔女孩。我們甚至都還沒講什麼話，為了讓我這被學術生涯壓力緊迫釘人的學期多一些刺激和樂趣，我開始想像對一個人沒有任何理由的著迷。為了消耗被過度冷卻後剩下的感情

很久沒有這麼病過了。突然的，星期四半夜開始嘔吐，我想噢也許是宿醉吧！該死的啤酒！我不該在喝完威士忌後又喝啤酒。可是一吐就吐個沒完，一早醒來仍是全身無力。吃什麼吐什麼。身體發冷。打電話給爸，還不敢跟他說我昨晚喝了酒，他說妳這是腸胃型感冒沒有錯。不是食物中毒就好因為我在這裡可沒有健康保險。吞了幾顆普拿疼浸在熱水澡裡，覺得身體魔術般地被拯救了一些。shannon是我的天使還來我家煮味增湯給我喝。雖然我一點胃口都沒有。laura要拿頻果泥給我，我說妳確定嗎？我看起來一團糟。漂亮的tiff從紐約來要來我家作客。我想為什麼這個月我會有這麼多東岸來的貴賓？該死的病毒。我知道我這個長週末又要錯過了許多的事。ㄧ睡就睡了整整兩天72小時。我想是身體在跟我求救。是該放任自己攤倒的時候了。

關於幻想，我忠誠的建議，DON'T SPOIL IT。四年前在D.C.認識的女生來西雅圖找我，四年不見，現在她變成了一個典型的女同志，並且充滿了東岸的歧視口吻，也許我該負一部分的責任，但我還是比較懷念十七歲時那個雙性戀好奇的大膽女生。我的libido大概從2009年後就還沒有準確運作過。然後，他媽的angela和她雙魚座的猶豫不決。從這裡開始後是一道界線。我再也不要期盼這個人給的任何一絲錯誤希望。第一次她決定不回來的時候，我說那麼我們暫時分開吧，多一點的空間。這一次她再反悔回來的決定，打電話來哭充滿罪惡感的道歉，說我真的很想念妳呀。我說，下一次等妳真的決定要回來時，我想我已經不會在了。

Many of us are very excited about the wave of student activism around Obama's election, and have been inspired by the radical hopes people have for his presidency. To see the first black president become elected by a vocal, antiwar, young constituency is amazing. But we don't accept that it should be just CEOs, military generals, or lobbyists that should be the ones continuing to make demands on the President-elect. We face a continuation of the War on Terror in Iraq and Afghanistan; students are facing budget cuts; gay and lesbians denied equality in California; immigrants threatened with deportation; bombs rain down on Gaza; and working people with no hope of a federal bailout for them.

: JAN 20th WALKOUT : UW Red Square : 11AM
Students from schools across Seattle will meet up
at Seattle Central at 1pm
then march to Westlake Center

TO STOP THE WARS
in Iraq, Afghanistan and the Israeli
massacre of Gazan civilians

Repeal the Defense of Marriage Act
FOR MARRIAGE FOR ALL

FOR IMMIGRANT RIGHTS
End racist attacks on Arabs and
Muslims, ICE raids and deportations

NO CUTS IN THE BUDGET
No school closures

ISRAEL BOMBS GAZA, KILLING OVER 300; ATTACKS CONTINUE, GROUND ASSAULT THREATENED

We are sending you this alert to ask you urgently to take action with regard to the current Israeli attacks on the besieged Gaza Strip. On Saturday morning, December 27^th, over eighty Israeli warplanes and helicopter gunships dropped at least one hundred tons of bombs throughout Gaza. Israel targeted all Gazan police stations, but also many residential areas. Latest reports as of Sunday morning state that over three hundred Palestinians were killed, and at least a thousand wounded. Of those killed, almost half were civilians.

An Israeli military spokesman announced that the bombardment was "only a beginning." The already severely-taxed Gazan infrastructure is being destroyed, leaving the territory without power and water, and crippling medical facilities.

Palestinians are appealing to the conscience of the world to intervene and call upon our elected officials to condemn the Israeli atrocities.

Palestine Solidarity Committee-Seattle

在失眠的巨無霸頭痛之下和laura見面喝咖啡。她的頭髮又更金了想必又是去漂白。關於無感。是完全鮮明的。在我和她之間隔著兩個馬克杯，而我清楚看見一道牆，玻璃製的牆，阻隔我對她溫和的語調再有任何一絲、一絲感動。我看著她的臉，而眼神飄忽在窗外下雪的街道，她說著她酒癮母親的家庭悲劇，我只是，喝著自己的咖啡，想像我曾經到底是怎麼對這個人動心？想起來是一齣本來就不該拖長的小劇場。她說：我已經很久沒有跟我的伴做愛了。我心裡想，噢。這樣的場合我該接些什麼話才好。我說：妳不覺得事情變得好快嗎？我還記得一兩個月前，妳才在跟我抱怨她都不常來西雅圖找妳。她說，是呀，是吧，我想我是懷恨在心於是無法對她身體上開放。「that is too bad. because it sounds like you love her so much.」我說。離開西雅圖的這兩個禮拜，讓我把我們之間的關係看清楚了，說穿了不過就是兩個都還不想定下的人，用一些複雜抽象的觀念來逃避承諾這件事。是該結束的時候了。在更糟的事情還沒有發生之前。

Jalan Journal is an independent journal written by a multiracial collective of activists who work toward the liberation of Asian peoples from the forces of racism, empire and neo-colonialism.

Asians are Pakistani, Iraqi, Afghani, Korean, Cambodian, Chinese, Palestinians and countless other faces. We are gender-bending men and women, queer and straight. We are fierce and loving. We are what the racists fear. Many of us are also here in the United States.

This journal seeks to promote discussion and provide linkages, to remember the past so as to build for the future. We hope to discuss the struggles of Asian-American peoples in the United States from an anti-racist and democratic perspective in order to build solidarity among our communities and with working folks in Asia. We combat the historical and political roots of the model minority myth that has functioned to divide Asians from other working class people of color, both in the US and internationally. We also critically oppose the statist and oppressive versions of pan-Asian liberation found in Maoism, Bandungism and the Japanese empire of yesteryear.

Today, a new vision is our only option, nourished by everyday struggles for freedom and democracy that Asian peoples wage in the family, at work, in their neighborhoods, and schools. From the relentless Intifadas of Palestinians pushing up against apartheid, to the jam-packed streets of the 2005 Hong Kong WTO protests exploding with fierce South Korean farmers, Filipino activists and Japanese anarchists, we are in action. A new society all around us is breaking out!

從下飛機後就一直昏睡到2008年的最後一晚。april從逼近零度的夢中把我叫醒，載我去和兩個搞anti-war Palestine solidarity的伴侶和新疆來的大姊家吃鴛鴦火鍋。最後的甜點熱門話題變成：我們要如何讓大眾知道allyship的意思？以及，用食物來吸引大學生參加solidarity的活動究竟有任何solidarity的成效嗎？我吃了太多羊肉了。十一點在R place。沒幾分鐘乾光一杯black russian，我也很希望有人能跟我跳舞，但這次從台灣回來後的想法是，我再也不要跟這些自私的白人女生有任何瓜葛！（然後zoe說：yeah, just give her a week...）場子裡擠的要死，三樓的窗戶全都起了霧。selma、yecelica和她的女朋友終於在倒數前趕到，我們一起乾掉四個shots of rum。然後電視螢幕閃著10、9、8、......不曉得怎麼有種想哭的衝動，絕對不是感動的那種衝動，腦海裡閃過很多畫面，2008對我身邊的人都不是一個太容易度過的年。我的家人。2008立下的期望早已不知去向，我也就不再帶著過度抱負地展望什麼2009了。倒數完畢的時候頭上的汽球接二連三的爆破，跟身邊的人瞬時中擁抱一圈後再逆時鐘擁抱一圈。吧檯上有免費的香檳，selma一直說裡面可能有date rape，我還是跟她各乾了一杯。兩點夜店關了門，我們跑去中國城吃餛飩。外頭下著雨，而我的頭痛的要死。還跟著已經不存在的舞池旋轉著。我當時醉的程度絕對是到達會被亞裔服務生翻白眼的那樣糟糕。凌晨四點，勉強開了門、嘗試兩次按了正確的樓層到家。磅！！！地倒在床上。只是很想哭，不知道是因為頭太痛或者反正就是一種時代轉移的抽象感傷，但也不知道該打電話給誰。沒有任何音樂能夠安慰我。灌了一些白開水後就到廁所拉著自己的頭嘔吐。心中轉著佛珠不斷默唸著跟自己說：噢劉文，一切都會沒有事的！新年快樂！