熱情砸爛的攤子/

我對小島期望的一切其實就是這麼簡單的一些。從機場搭車南下沿路的小稻田和很鄉土的廣告招牌、加肉鬆的滷肉飯、累壞了在沙發上睡著的媽媽、終於微笑了的家人、播放著完全不搭的動作洋片海產店、在公園繞了無數圈討論作品中藝術家的主體性、在bloody試圖說服自己單身是一個對時局非常適合並且健康的狀態、令人害羞在車站牌如同高中生般的接吻、擁擠的夜晚小巷道叫賣的人群、談論著股票和保險年長的(ha!)老朋友、被誘惑著又在這些狀似夏日夜晚的涼風下抽了煙、令我想念卻不願破壞任何平衡的......希望可以一直這麼自然並且維持幽默感地坦承依戀。雖然她們都說這樣不好。打了的簡訊又一個一個字刪除。在房間和自己的理志精鬥爭疲力竭的聽著russian red: "i'm not taking, i'm not, i'm not fading/i'm not falling, you're not, your not falling/cause you just hold it inside..."

希望回到被大雪淹滿的另一座城市，我仍然是能記得這十多天不斷撞擊我對於小島整個概念的這些依戀。

我好累。想回家。這一片妒忌和無解愛的戰場。我只想要回到十度以上的空氣。呼吸。沉澱頸椎肌肉和大腦神經。很快地。我這麼就要回來

i tried so hard not to run into objects or living things or street lights
just because they might seem more alive and warmer than i was
after you shut the car door
and i waved inside the car while you weren't even looking
so many words left unsaid
so many questions left unanswered
you asked what i'm doing here with you
my thoughts were not anymore clear than yours
all the mess was condensed into this mixed cd i made you
full of the word love in a post-structuralist sense
frantically repeated it after you were gone
like i could be precise about what i actually wanted to tell you
anger, sexual impulse, helpless possession, agony,
loneliness which leads to several mistakes of self-destruction
and brief moments of sweetness that i keep indulging myself with
FEAR.FEAR.FEAR.
if this is what love means, i fear,
fear for falling for you again you said i love you do you know
and all i could think of was you, perhaps laying in bed with your lover
telling her the exact same sentence
i love you do you know
with the sincere eyes i keep falling for
fear occupies me and i just really want to break something
i cant allow myself breaking you so i start breaking things near me
notes in pieces, songs in pieces, glass in pieces, cloth in pieces, love in
pieces. buttons fall off from the shirt
i forgot why i was even having sex with these people
i guess i just wanted to be destroyed somehow
so you could only collect pieces of me left from this war
of jealousy and inaccessible love
collect pieces of me into your pocket
own me. i want you to claim me
as much as you hate these words that remind you the whole discourse
of fucking monogamous love
i feel so upset that
this is exactly what i want
and what i can't have

and i really wouldn't mind you sharing pieces of me with others
i could just never feel complete, and never
safe. like a product on assembly line being equally distributed
and fairness would be a total lie
because i would always save up so much raw material
to make a blanket that could just barely cover both of us
the rest of them would be soaked in rains and, look
i really don't fucking care
love is a risk and never fair and there's just something so romantic
about the potential loss and danger

desires are absolutely beautiful, how could i deny it
if i didn't have them, i would have probably died three years ago
and thats why i want to think of these fragile pieces of romantic details positively
thats exactly why i repeatedly play these songs about love
almost like i'm obsessively trying to get over my fear about this word
until what i could only think of were your lips
so close and warm
and i could kiss you after you said you love me
without crying
without feeling like a disaster
without wanting to break something near, either you
or me.

禮拜六晚上，在街上撞見landon我又開始擔心，他是不是要去見laura。心裡想著不同的理由排除這個可能：laura的伴dani這個週末都在西雅圖，她們應該會是一起度過。和shannon在flowers點了一杯margarita，舔著杯緣的鹽巴。嘴裡咬破的地方發疼起來。shannon說：妳又給自己鑽了同樣一個洞，我不喜歡看妳這樣。我說我知道，但是又能怎麼辦呢。我拒絕不了她。我都跟她說了：我們不會是女朋友的。承諾是承諾，只當兩個人對承諾有共同的解釋，而我們並沒有這樣的共識。再怎麼愛有怎麼樣呢。多餘的都只是情緒的負荷。床單上扯破了一個大洞，這會不會是我該停止做愛的徵兆？我喜歡早晨醒來時她告訴我那些美好過頭的夢境，無論是真的或只是又要我掉入她的陷阱，我終究是得到早晨美好的幾分鐘。然後這段關係幾乎要變成一項競賽。幾乎要去找jes的那晚，要不是我真的累壞了，我想她會很配合地和我發洩感情的愚蠢精神能量耗費。每一次和laura說再見，我的思想被切成兩半：一部分的我感謝她的誠實，希望她和她的伴享受美好的愛人團聚時光。一部分的我只想要把自己鎖起來，避免做一些透露我太過想念她的舉動－－比如這根菸、這一連串和不同女生的調情簡訊、這第四杯酒－－都不應該開始。我想要找到那個隱密的極限點，並且將它撕毀。我也想要能夠隨心所欲。但欲望總是拉扯我的思想。她說：妳比妳想像中的還要強大，我比妳想像中的還要害怕妳。那麼，讓我知道。我想要她哭著在我上鎖的門前求我愛她。

我 卻 無 法。

you say you want to destroy me
in the front seat of your car
sometimes you want to break me
and now i know i've fooled you.
i'm a porcelain doll in the small hands of a girl
who is imaging me, make believe
i'm not alive, not really.
empty eggshell skin.
delicate. inanimate. disposable.
my chest is a hallow space that echoes.

you say you want to destroy me
and i think maybe i will help you
because i want so much to please you.
like a month ago, that was after
you cried and said your sister was fanatical
and your mother blamed you for not being around.
but you're so cute when you call later
drunk and worrying that
i'm disappearing you say
i'm disappearing
i guess you realized i wasn't breathing
that i have no lungs for air to fill and exhale
on the windows, fogged.
my church is this invisibility.
loving you exposes my inability to nurture.
like a little girl holds a plaything
gentle and inadequate
hides her love in complex folds
of fear so cleverly that soon
not even she can find her love
anymore.

and this is agony,
and this is safe.

you say you want to destroy me
and i think maybe i will help you.
help you means know you means
i'm afraid of you means love you
means i'm sorry.

you say you want to destroy me
and you are so alive
i don't know how you haven't yet.

整個週末laura和我都在一起，關於我冷漠和使壞的招數徹底失敗。當她出現在我的公寓前，我只想要把她帶進房間給她我們這整個月遺失的擁抱。i missed you，我們說。接著是，i tried not to kiss you。而整個週末我們徹底放縱，性。早晨醒來的某個瞬間我聞到她熟悉的大麻籽香味，我說：i had a delusion that we've been lovers for a long time。她說：that depends on how much you count as a long time。三個月。足夠讓一個人心死了又復原嗎。在 R place跳完舞，凌晨兩點，剩下的酒精作用足夠成為使壞的藉口而無法開車，於是我們在車裡做愛。我說：sometimes i just want to break you into pieces。她的身體壓在前座車墊。她說：then break me into pieces。車窗起霧。音響還在放著tricky。我說：sometimes i just wanna destroy you。她說：please, destroy me。。。我們擁有的聽起來像是一個暴力的感情關係，說真的，我不曉得，在傷害已經發生後的現在，我們還能再走多遠？但是，fuck it--我已經不在意。對於她的感情抽離所有的複雜和黑暗，我只是想要簡單地去接受她好的部份，並且扼殺所有曾經擁有的期待。於是，關於未來，關於感情意識形態，關於素食，關於她的白種人罪惡，或者關於她的金髮--我們種種的不同，全都不再在我的焦慮之中。

so many ways to miss someone. on the couch with leftover whiskey. by the windows and those cigarette ashes fall. then disappear like the way she disappeared. not sure it was in reality or just my mind forced her to go. for the sake of healing. until someone else offer you her body and politically incorrect infatuation, you miss how she touched you with sincerity. sincerity is harder to achieve than sobriety. to you, sobriety is just a by-product of hangover and missed phone calls from strangers. you want to offer her your sincerity. you want to offer her honesty. you drink until the bottle is empty but still hold nothing in your hands to say. all you want to do is to take her hands and let her touch you the way she always did. too much complexity and pretension in our language to offer honesty. you seal your heart like a bottle of wine to save the authenticity. of love. and her hands are a glass. you pour slowly before it breaks.