2006年11月5日
習慣
進了11月,天氣總算轉涼,把厚被和冬季衣服都從整理盒搬了出來,房裡漫著一股樟腦丸的味道。
溫度下降,漂浮著的躁動也沈澱許多。最近的生活就是安靜,除了少數上班打雜的時間,把自己活得像座孤島。或多或少有點閉關的意識作用著,實際生活不可能找間寺廟什麼的隱居起來,但把自己的動能減到最低,MSN少上,也很久沒和朋友們見面扯淡。
在這座擁擠的城市裡,習慣在稀疏的時間出門,更多時候只是待在家啃書、簡單下個麵。生活是默默的,雖然作息依舊不太規律,要不讀了什麼令人激動的發現,半夜睡不著;要不一整天沒出門,精力太旺,早晨天光乍亮也就醒了。是的,心思不甚平靜,仍惶惑於生命的未來,即便模模糊糊的方向和路數已悄悄在心底鋪出樣子。需要更多沈澱與磨練。
人的確是容易習慣的動物,久了,一個人的日子不再多想什麼,即便有些感觸,也只是淡淡。所有理所當然的期望與失落都離得很遠。習慣一個人消化,一個人行走,一個人注視著身邊的流動,偶爾享受一點付出後從心底漾出的溫暖。也許在這個時代已經不是擔憂與社會脫軌,卻是脫得不夠遠,依舊看得不夠真切呢……。
◇◇◇
Azure Ray, November, in "November", 2002
So I'm waiting for this test to end
So these lighter days can soon begin
I'll be alone but maybe more carefree
Like a kite that floats so effortlessly
I was afraid to be alone
Now I'm scared thats how I'd like to be
All these faces none the same
How can there be so many personalities
So many lifeless empty hands
So many hearts in great demand
And now my sorrow seems so far away
Until I'm taken by these bolts of pain
But I turn them off and tuck them away
'till these rainy days that make them stay
And then I'll cry so hard to these sad songs
And the words still ring, once here now gone
And they echo through my head everyday
And I don't think they'll ever go away
Just like thinking of your childhood home
But we can't go back we're on our own
Oh,
But i'm about to give this one more shot
And find it in myself
I'll find it in myself
So were speeding towards that time of year
To the day that marks that you're not here
And i think I'll want to be alone
So please understand if I don't answer the phone
I'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls
Until I can see nothing at all
Only particles some fast some slow
All my eyes can see is all I know
Ohh..
But I'm about to give this one more shot
And find it in myself
I'll find it in myself

