Nora's Reading Room

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What Jack remembered and craved in a way he could neither help nor understand was the time that distant summer on Brokeback when Ennis had come up behind him and pulled him close, the silent embrace satisfying some shared and sexless hunger.

They had stood that way for a long time in front of the fire, its burning tossing ruddy chunks of light, the shadow of their bodies a single column against the rock. The minutes ticked by from the round watch in Ennis's pocket, from the sticks in the fire settling into coals. Stars bit through the wavy heat layers above the fire. Ennis's breath came slow and quiet, he hummed, rocked a little in the sparklight, and Jack leaned against the steady heartbeat, the vibrations of the humming like faint electricity and, standing, he fell into sleep that was not sleep but something else drowsy and tranced until Ennis, dredging up a rusty but still usable phrase from the childhood time before his mother died, said, "Time to hit the hay, cowboy. I got a go. Come on, you're sleepin on your feet like a horse," and gave Jack a shake, a push, and went off in the darkness. Jack heard his spurs tremble as he mounted, the words "See you tomorrow," and the horse's shuddering snort, grind of hoof on stone.

Later, that dozy embrace solidified in his memory as the single moment of artless, charmed happiness in their separate and difficult lives.

斷背山上那年遙遠的夏天，其中一段令傑克回憶、渴望起來既難以壓抑也無法理解。當時恩尼司朝他身後靠近，抱住他，以沉默的擁抱滿足了某種共享而無關性愛的飢渴。

兩人如此在營火前站立良久，火焰拋出微紅光塊，兩具肉體的陰影結合為一根緊靠岩石矗立的樑柱。時間一分分流逝，由恩尼司口袋裡的圓錶滴答告知，由逐漸燃燒成炭的樹枝點明。星光在營火上方層層熱流中破浪前進。恩尼司的呼吸緩和寂靜，悄聲囈語，在點點火星中前後微微擺動，傑克則毗倚平穩的心跳上，低哼震動恰似微弱電流，令傑克以站姿入睡，而此睡非彼睡，而是昏沉失神之感。最後恩尼司挖掘出童年母親在世時對他說的一段話，儘管生鏽了，仍派得上用場。他說，「該上床了，牛仔。我該走了。好了，別學馬兒站著睡啦，」說著搖搖傑克，推他一下，自己步入黑暗中。傑克聽見他上馬時馬刺顫動聲，聽到「明天見」，以及馬兒顫抖的鼻息，馬蹄磨石的聲響。

那次睡意沉重的擁抱，後來在傑克記憶中凝結固化，成為兩人分隔兩地、刻苦難捱生活中唯一毫無造作、迷醉入魔、至福充盈的時刻。