全部列癲 │ Harry Wu

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「耳邊又傳來陣陣催促的聲音，我只聽到彼此無言的嘆息；過去的記憶是我沈重的行李，不願帶走卻也拋不去。」

沒想到薛岳的機場，註解了出國之前的我的忙亂。出境那天，孿生哥哥利用攝影機，對網際網路播送自己離去的身影。跟所有來道別的人們一一相擁言別。跟朋友、學弟、兄妹、父母。同樣的動作，迥異的觸感與熱度，那樣直接地從雙臂傳遞出來，尤其是人父人母的不捨。而保守傳統家庭裡成員進行的擁抱，竟又是那樣陌生。

我要飛往的是精神分析的國度，那個號稱潛意識裡充滿我們的早期創傷的老店。它不斷地提醒我再如何完美的原生家庭，也充滿了傷害。而我自視為一個反叛份子，難免挑選那些早該歸檔但是依舊露出的標籤，刻意對焦那些早該癒合的傷痕。二十餘年的調色盤，不能說是慘綠，那些塗佈過的色料早已成為抽象。此刻的我只是成為治療者之後，徒存的空白螢幕。只有這樣，才能夠創造出各種不同的背景氣氛，暢言自己的故事。

(高雄光榮街老家，我從來沒有住過) ...繼續閱讀

This dream was dreamt on a day when I was about to resign from hosptial in March.

SCENE I performance art

A "cousin" of mine was performing on stage with a group of dancers. This "cousin" actually doesn't exist. He is a son of my uncle, who was an important politician and a local celebrity before. But he served for KMT, the "evil" party. When the performance ended up, this "cousin" walked down from the stage and said hello to the son of KMT president. They went for a dinner, and invited me to go, too. I went. But I did not sit with them.

SCENE II restaurant

In the basement of the restaurant sat an old guy in grey suit, red cravat, (costume of Japanese gentleman in 1930's), holding a walking stick in his hand, dead. No one knew why he died there. There was music in the restaurant, with very vulgar lighting decorations (it looked really camp in a luxurious hotel restaurant). But the atmosphere was really warm. The dead scene of the old one was not really horrible, either. People said the the guy was a "somebody".

SCENE III coffee shop, Tainan

Tainan is my mother's birthplace. There appeared my mother's sister. A group of people were talking about the dead man. They said that he was a general manager of a hotel next to the one he died in. The two hotels had partnership in the past. But for no reason they split up until one day, when they finally reconciled. However it was pity that he has been dead when people last time saw him. This piece of news then became a local gossip. ...繼續閱讀

Four years ago, 911 event started to make us feel uneasy. Recently, those violence we tend to condemn even put us at stake, such as the bombing in London tubes, explosion in Jordan Radisson Hotel, and the riots in Paris and Lyon.

A recent film, A History of Violence (2005), without following the Hollywood formula fighting fire with fire, retrospects the primitive violence remaining in human beings even following the process of civilization. This year happens to be the 90th anniversary of World War I. In 1915, Sigmud Freud wrote an article not only to blame the war but also raised the concept that civilization actually represses the life and death instinct beneath us. In reality, evil in us cannot be "eradicated" at all.

Facing violence, our attitudes vary with the different situations. The riot in Paris was at first due to human right issues in thief crime. Now it's not only a simple problem but tangled with classes, ethnicities, cultures and religions. Scholars even stated that the riots were mainly caused by the reluctance of French government's being not able to practice the spirit of a welfare nation.
...繼續閱讀

四點，天就快黑了。氣溫一下子降得很低，路上不太有人，商店也都關了，只有在霧裡的路燈朦朧亮著。對，離家也很遠了。

入夜以後，學生聚集在酒吧裡看足球賽，牛飲，吆喝。不像彰化的店仔頭，無人喝拳，無人唱歌，沒有晃來晃去的布袋戲尪仔。老師，每次去溪洲，都想要問您那間店仔頭到底是在哪裡，但是每次也總是忘記。總是約在那間也賣園藝的咖啡簡餐店，您開始對我們耳提面命。吃飽，就驅車到圳寮的三合院，到木棚子底下泡茶。有時候氣氛很慷慨，有時候只是安安靜靜。而我大多時刻是默不作聲的，把寫好的東西交給您，聽訓。

第一次見到您是七年前，跟著高醫的社團去拜訪您。您帶我們去看八堡圳。不知談到什麼水源政策，您氣憤地說：「這呢夭壽！」遠離那二十年教化的鄉音突然充溢耳際，那莫名的親切感油然而生。然後我們到您任教的溪州國中，坐在教室裡，驚奇自己的腳已經擺不進那矮窄的木桌，那時您的小兒子志寧趕來，您說：「來跟大哥大姊打招呼！」那時的您，不是詩人，只是父親。

回想起來，我們甚少聊及文學。我們總是聊農作、植栽、城鄉，還有政治。最近，又多了「飼孫」。不過對您而言，這些才是真正的文學。遠離城市的虛虛華華，那些精刮的修辭和伶俐的快語，一則我們聽不習慣，二則離我們的生活世界太過遙遠。在草地上，木棚下的椅條頂，我們起義的地方，許多的點子在那裡浮現。 ...繼續閱讀

To be or not to be, it's a serious question. This time it's not about killing, but about the queer identities of our "beloved" ones.

Everyone loves Jim Morrison, the lead singer of the legendary band, the Doors. He died young, remaining an abstruse mystery for us. As his biography was about to sell on amazon, people started to dispute over his being gay or not.

" He is gay, for he had a gay experience in St. Petersburg before enrolling at FSU. And it was witnessed. " " He is not gay. He had a girlfriend at FSU, and he brought her to parties. I know that improper behavior was because he was too drunk." "He can't be gay, for I had known him so well for years!"

Everyone loves Wilfred Owen, the greatest English antiwar poet during World War I, or maybe the most "succesful" antiwar poets in the world. November 4th was the date when he died in 1918. For the past 77 years those letters written in the front line had been controlled by his family carefully. Some of them were published, but some destroyed.

No one knows if he did had "that kind" of relationship with Sassoon at Craiglackhart War Hospital in Edinburgh. It's the adorable caring relationship between soldiers. This young god can't be gay. If so, please make him a closet one. Of course his "not-so-succesful" brother, Harold, envied him. But he also had the privilege to mould the figure of his celebrated brother. Of course this is another chapter. ...繼續閱讀

來英國，台灣的語言用得少，一接觸到，感覺特別尖銳，也特別會去想這語言的美感在哪裡？我到底要不要花時間繼續讀/聽下去？昨天突然心血來潮，想要在網路上找台灣現在當紅的流行歌來聽。沒想到出現這樣的東西......

〈夜曲〉

＃一群嗜血的螞蟻　被腐肉所吸引
　我面無表情　看孤獨的風景
　失去你　愛恨開始分明
　失去你　還有什麼事好關心
　當鴿子不再象徵和平　我終於被提醒
　廣場上餵食的是禿鷹
　我用漂亮的押韻　形容被掠奪一空的愛情＃

首先，沒有科學根據。螞蟻多吃的是糖、菌類、水果、花草等等。但如果這裡講的「腐肉」是指別種死去的昆蟲，好吧也許算數。接著就是矛盾：失去你之後，愛恨分明怎麼會又漠不關心？接著，鴿子不再象徵和平，跟廣場上面掠食（不懂，餵食？誰餵誰）的是禿鷹，沒有因果關係。要拿禿鷹代表「惡」嗎？也太不厚道。


啊　烏雲開始遮蔽　夜色不乾淨
公園裡　葬禮的回音　在漫天飛行
送你的　白色玫瑰　在純黑的環境凋零
烏鴉在樹枝上詭異的很安靜
靜靜聽　我黑色的大衣
想溫暖你　日漸冰冷的回憶
走過的　走過的生命
啊　四周瀰漫霧氣　我在空曠的墓地
老去後還愛你

「漫天」這兩個字是形容詞，被當成名詞了。「詭異的很安靜」，意思應該是「詭異得很安靜」吧，不過即便如此，也邏輯不通，通常不是「安靜得很詭異」嗎？下一句，要你聽我的黑色大衣！有夠絕。接著，我在空曠的墓地為什麼連得上老去後還愛你？ ...繼續閱讀

我喜歡在午後的陽光裡行過克徹斯特鎮的草原，聽著南宏寫的，幸福滿滿的〈呆囝仔〉；喜歡在夜裡獨自漫步，聽著擄姘用吉他堅定地刷著〈前進〉。南宏把剛剛混音完畢的〈河〉傳給我的那天，小鎮剛好開始刮起涼風，還飄了些雨。一樣是要去上課的路中，踩著泥濘，聽著《河》的大合唱，在那樣錯置的時空裡。情緒自是百般複雜。

今天，宣傳海報印出來了。靜宜台文的助理聲邦第一時間寄了照片給我；美親也把他們在辦公室裡，大夥當起捆工的模樣上傳在網路上。突然想起我們七月中旬，去靜宜演出第一場說唱的那天，台中下著大雨。我開車載著樂器，跟美親一路奔往沙鹿，南宏後到，擄姘醫師因為工作不能抽身，小信允還坐在台下。

而在這之前，也是靜宜的研究生俊益幫我們訂了便當，聲邦幫我們做了紅布條。我們剛剛公佈了錄音的計畫，還有捐款的帳號。紅布條上面寫著：「賴和音樂專輯發表會。」滿滿的自信與氣勢。恩，都還沒正式錄音呢，竟然就在發表了？我們才趕忙把「發表會」換成「說唱會」。

美親上傳的照片裡，有一張是她被美工刀割傷的手指。我突然想起整個夏天，南北走踪，有一次在休息站吃飯，南宏發現我手肘底下有一灘暗紅的色漬，我說那肯定是人血，在醫院工作了那麼久怎麼可能會不知道？後來也才發現，那血是自己的，受傷的原因不明。除此之外，錄音師志寧的腳趾被機車刺傷；美親也在錄〈相思歌〉的前一晚熬夜寫論文而失聲；在鹿耳門當晚的表演，三個人是用感冒的鼻音唱歌。最後一場在台大迴廊，依舊是大雨。


（Lupin錄〈前進〉的下午，在Chigo的家裡，沒有隔音設備，南宏細聲講著手機，Dumas看著Chigo的收藏。很悶熱的一天。） ...繼續閱讀

It was in September, 2004, when students were returning to schools, and graduates facing another wave of joblessness in sleepless Taipei, the capital city of Taiwan. Out patient department became busy again that it wouldn't be closed until 11:30 PM. I was on my night shift. A young man came into the ward, for admission.

He looked descent, neat, tidy and courteous. After some social work-ups, we soon entered the history-collecting because it was so late that I might not be able to spend another 2 hours completing the whole diagnostic interview, chart writing and other paper works.

His name is John (of course not his real name), 23 y/o, single, just graduated from university, department of political science and laws. Those who came with him were his parents, a general manager and a housewife. At home, he still has a younger sister, college student. The economic situation of this small middle-class family was quite good, with a relatively harmonic intra-family atmosphere. John looked just normal. There was just a mild frown between his eyebrows.

I asked John's parents to leave us alone for a while. I just felt like interviewing alone with him for not more than 20 minutes and the I would be able to end up with that admission routine as soon as possible. John started to tell me about all his secrets in the mind. And then I realized that it was impossible to finish it soon. There was something really wrong with him.


( Photo taken in Birmingham, Alabama, 2003. medical student exchange program. I, ambitiously, did two months of neurology and addiction medicine, and even in AA/NA groups. Now I stay "clean" from clinical medicine.) ...繼續閱讀

After talking about Rosa Parks, good manner on the English bus, here comes another issue.

A week ago, my university mailbox was suddenly filled with newsletters mailed by "Chinese Student Association". At first I did not care about them. Sometimes I only saw them for fun, since the wordage they use was just like what only appeared 15 years ago in Taiwan. Conservative, and actually campy.

Yesterday it was just like a bomb. In the newsletter, the head of the association fanfares about Chairman Hu's coming to the UK. And they are going to gather a group of students to welcome his visit. If the number reaches 50, there will be free transportation to carry them to London to join the welcoming parade.

Actually, I don't know how they got my email address. If it's just for their convenience to gather those with chinese last names, that's fine. If it's based on the co-centric theory about "big family", it doesn't bother, either. "Just don't punish yourself with other's ignorance." my psychiatric supervisor in Taiwan told me so. But this time I was irritated. ...繼續閱讀

"In the UK, don't ever fight with people, even if it is not you who set the fight," a friend, whose classmate had a painful experience, told me, "you are illegal. Because you are foreinger."

Coming back from Newcastle, which was newly elected the most polite and friendly city, on the bus back to the University Quays, where I reside, I saw this interesting note, reminded by F bus company, with a line of hand writing words on it. Certainly it has something to do with the July bomb, and the August gunshot in London....

It's another "non-violence" education. "If you see an unattented package or a bag on this bus, (don't think that you yourself can defeat terrorism.) please tell the driver." "Then run like hell...to shot by the police!"


Ouch!