-這個世界啊。 http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/cat_216661.html zh-tw Roodo Blog System All Rights Reserved 就這樣作結吧。


而我已然喪失比較的能力。無法讀寫的能力，無法靜心。這些年來，只見那些痕跡蔓擴，像手上的淤青，塊紫塊紅。 不會有更好的了，親愛的。這是最好的。


















上了大學以後，真切沒甚麼歸屬感，反覆尋找高中熟悉的模式，卻也不斷地發現如此想像的失誤。


身處中文系，究竟知曉了哪些人事物，至今已無從辨認。那是過往的宛若今晨那場不大不小其實也不必遮擋的雨，我縱然記得，卻得由那層披紗般的隔幕後窺視。


我到底在別人眼裡是甚麼樣子呢。
我到底是甚麼樣子，對我而言，對別人而言，到底又有怎樣的意義。



如果大學生活在人生的標尺上留下印記，那也不會是清楚的。
我已徹底混淆了這段路程。



外文系帶給我甚麼呢。

轉入外文系，為的不就是個虛實不明的自尊。第一年感到精神百倍，縱使膽戰心驚，然而這些都是可以留存的。


那些精神、氣力我把它們收到聲音裡。


那陣子為了適應新環境，只是振發不歇地轉入一段又一段飽滿的頻率，一首一首切換，像是再不必往前一般，投身這樣封閉的境域。


而我最後沒有哭，因為已經無法為妳做甚麼，我的前半生該當終止。預料之覺悟。



也許終會喪失記憶，任何若血漬斑駁的細節不再能輕易擷取了。可是曾經我多麼珍視小小的事情。

這都不重要了，我無法回去了。


執於昔日確實是不堪的，那天，才發現自己如何著迷於以前的幻象，屬於以前的，我總以為時間不會跨越從前。




可是前進也沒有甚麼了。






幾天前想起了名字，我想起了名字。
希望這個名字會看見我的人生，而這段渺小不值錢的人生曾為了一個名字遭遇陌生的痛苦。



不會有更好的了，親愛的。這是最好的。 ]]> http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/12328315.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/12328315.html 這個世界啊。 Sat, 08 May 2010 00:19:50 +0800 Montaigne
  • We may call these people barbarians, in respect to the rules of reason, but not in respect to ourselves.
  • He who relaxes none of his assurance, no matter how great the danger of imminent death; who, giving up his soul, still looks firmly and scornfully at his enemy—he is beaten not by us, but by fortune; he is killed, not conquered.

    • ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/10604605.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/10604605.html 這個世界啊。 Sat, 07 Nov 2009 13:37:56 +0800     我收集的東西 我突然想到自己會收集東西有時候是無意識的。

    不外乎以下幾類。

    • CD
    • 書
    • 筆記本
    • 耳機
      (哈哈 很多人都會問我你不是有耳機了嗎
      但我耳機很容易壞 大約是沒有小心翼翼 還有
      我每天真的每天用。 用個三四個小時吧。
      而且我總覺得有更好的耳機
      所以胃口就被養大了

      我雖然聽不出AKG跟森海瑟爾的低音差別
      但聽得出來這二者跟鐵三角的不同。
      一兩千的鐵三角就是把你的心懸在那裡
      然後完全沒有bum bum下去的痛快感)
    • 這項是我整篇的重點。
      我發現我會不知不覺收集盒子。尤其是鞋盒。

      球鞋盒都捨不得丟就愈堆愈多
      相機盒我也不想丟 耳機的盒子我也不想丟。
      總之我房間大概有十來個盒子。
    • 而'我的音樂'資料夾裡的音樂檔，
      全部都是我的寶貝
      文件不見沒關係 電影不見沒關係
      這個不見我會心碎。


      我還特地去買很高級的cd盒
      把燒錄起來的光碟裝在裡面
      好像可以成為傳家之寶。


      這讓我想到nick&nora's infinite playlist,
      michael cera會燒自選音樂光碟給他前女友。

      我也常常自以為燒音樂光碟給別人是一種
      無價的禮物。
    • 還有傑拉德有出場的比賽影片。
      我為它們特別空出一個硬碟槽。
    • 另外，我姊和我現在致力於我的手環收集。
      因為我想要像張懸一樣戴一整排的。
      這件事搞得很認真 不知道為什麼。





    收集啊收集。



    最不能收集的就是人心啊。 ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/9284775.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/9284775.html 這個世界啊。 Sun, 21 Jun 2009 19:30:21 +0800     Frost at Midnight. Coleridge.


    .......
    Dear Babe, that sleepest cradled by my side,
    Whose gentle breathings, heard in the deep calm,
    Fill up the interspersed vacancies
    And momentary pauses of the thought!
    My babe so beautiful! it thrills my heart
    with tender gladness, thus to look at thee,
    And think that thou shalt learn far other lore,
    And in far other scenes! For I was reared
    In the great city, pent'mid cloisters dim,
    And saw nought lovely but the sky and stars.
    ......





    我注意到，今天，我終於注意到，
    於浴室門上嵌著的塑膠玻璃，一幅昏黃如暮的山水畫。


    我望著它上頭一棵黑色描邊的樹。



    兀地想起，方才那柄黑色穹狀如同洋裙擺的傘。


    它跟不上我的腳，我的腳也追不上短暫雨歇的時刻。



    我歪曲擅越著道路，想要避開水坑。

    腳卻自己找到了那些水坑，義無反顧地躍入，像自盡的魚。


    這是生平首次不需擔憂一種想像，想像自己必得歷經消滅前的生命蒙太奇。


    因為沒有人沒有車。



    整條街上沒有人，只有我，以及那柄吹著喪歌的傘。




    我不能奔跑回家，抓著那柄足以遮蔽各方侵凌的傘，我無法奔跑。




    愈走愈慢。愈走愈慢。



    我仍是趕不及了。




    喪失一些東西並非災難，伊麗莎白說。把它寫下來。
    ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/9216951.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/9216951.html 這個世界啊。 Sat, 13 Jun 2009 11:37:57 +0800     W.B.Yeats



    Yet knows that to be choked with hate
    May well be of all evil chances chief.



    An intellectual hatred is the worst.







    Considering that, all hatred driven hence,
    The soul recovers radical innocence
    And learns at last that it is self-delighting,
    Self-appeasing, self-affrighting,
    And that its own sweet will is Heaven's will;
    She can, though every face should scowl
    And every windy quarter howl
    Or every bellows burst, be happy still. ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/9095031.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/9095031.html 這個世界啊。 Fri, 29 May 2009 10:59:28 +0800     人 (繼續閱讀...) ]]>
    看過這封拒絕此服務隊再次前往該校的信後，這是我掙扎的反思。雖然看起來沒關係。 但我想表達對於，人和人之間以及永無止盡的彼此誤解而衝突。)

    ◊信件原文請見「繼續閱讀」。


    人在這個世界上總是得想盡辦法，和其他更多的人相處。


    我感到，絶大部分的人都是不斷地反躬自省，卻又不斷想著自己。


    自我跟他人之間拉扯的距離愈大，任一方的理智抑情感皆免不了受損。


    舉例而言，我寫了一些字，那是我想說的話。爾後想到 --這個 那個 其他的--，於是擱筆。那什麼才是我們應該說的話？

    我在構思上面這個句子的時候，何嘗不是想著別人？ 但我也想著自己。


    我想著自己不要受委屈，別人不要受委屈。



    服務者以及被服務者，二者心態的歧異實難以想像。

    可是還是必須抉擇正確的事。不論道德、政治、情緒。



    那麼「正確」由誰定義。


    我懷疑很多時候的「正確」是由「接受度」取決的。

    小眾的「正確」經常顯得偏激。




    到底什麼才是正確的事呢？

    「應不應該」是否等同「正確」？



    某件事正不正確，參雜了多少個體的本質於其中。
    原生人格是否於價值判斷中，佔了很大的因素？






    我這生始終想要知道正確的事，即使做不到，我也想知道。













    p.s

    為了宏宇軒，我決定來作正確的事，來開 -回應 -。是。



    p.ss

    我也想知道知識份子，這種身份上的自我理解，和現實社會有多大多大，無以彌補的距離？ (繼續閱讀...) ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/8770165.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/8770165.html 這個世界啊。 Tue, 21 Apr 2009 22:33:24 +0800     pretend

    we live so hard, so strenuously that it actually seems we do not die.






    but why do i need to live forever if life and death are only two sides of a coin. flip it, you live. and flip it again you die. ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/8684863.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/8684863.html 這個世界啊。 Sat, 11 Apr 2009 15:26:27 +0800     "set a match to the candle sheathed in glass

    until the world is a better place.


    we have to keep setting matches to the candle.
    until this kind of thing never happen again.

    http://www.candlesforrwanda.org/

    ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/8672689.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/8672689.html 這個世界啊。 Thu, 09 Apr 2009 22:06:52 +0800     existence
    i hardly exist anymore.

    i can be actually regarded as nonexistent in the new department i've transferred to.


    it's not weird to be invisible.

    i've always been invisible throughout my school life.


    but this time, i've truly become a phantom.


    the reason why i say this is because my registration number is still the old one i used in the previous department.

    i keep the old number. 

    but in this way, i'm overlapped by the same number that has already been in this department for two years.

    i am no freshman, either.
    so i practically do not exist.


    i left the previous one. so the meaning of my present number bestowed by the previous department has lost, somehow.




    it's quite peculiar.

    i mean, the transfer students.

    the situation is odd.

    well, i don't really need a place of my own in that world so actually it is no big deal.


    but come to think of it, it's just very strange that one wants desparately one's identity.




    why do we keep trying to make sure that we exist. ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/8671705.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/8671705.html 這個世界啊。 Thu, 09 Apr 2009 17:11:20 +0800     all so casual, all so haphazard.
    "... I want to think quitely, calmly, spaciously, never to be interrupted, never to have to rise from my chair, to slip easily from one thing to another, without any sense of hostility, or obstacle. I want to sink deeper and deeper, away from the surface, with its hard separate facts. ..."

     --Virginia Woolf, The Mark on the Wall






    i read some girl's blog about this article while googling.

    it is not funny that it is a snail. damn.

    i'm actually very much offended by her remarks.

    jee, can't you see that those words (perhaps too many for you?) in the article are not simply her talking to herself?


    so many words because of one single incident.
    her trance because of seeing one mark on the wall.

    how important it is, to have one's thoughts.

    they are fuckin' beautiful. you CREEP!


    DON'T INSULT THE WORK BECAUSE YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT FEELINGS.

    DAMMIT. i shouldn't bother to be infuriated by her own opinions.actually.
    what should i do. the world is in desperate conditions where everything must be neutral, must be taken less seriously.
    damn! i am too friggin' serious. damn me.
    i'm so lame.






    notes:

    "    by Marc D. Cyr

    Virginia Woolf's "The Mark on the Wall" concludes with the identification of that mark as a snail, this after several pages of digressions--on history, reality, society, art, writing, and life itself--incited by the flimsy ruse of an ontological inquiry. Readers have reacted variously to this revelation: As T. E. Apter notes, some, like A C. Bradbrook, have found it "exasperating" (54), while others have found the "cruelly disappointing" (Guiguet 217) or "trivial" (Apter 54) or "insignificant" (Gorsky 51) nature of the mark to be important to understanding that Woolf is proposing that objective reality is less important than the world of perceptions internal to each individual, a line of thought that leads ultimately to the idea that what the mark is "really doesn't matter" (Lumpkin 29), or the ironic Doppelganger to this idea, that "The writer deflates herself comically when the mark is revealed as a snail . . . (Gordon 167). I suspect, however, that if there is a joke here, it is on us, that Woolf, like Mary Carmichael in A Room of One's Own, "is playing a trick on us. . . . [She] is tampering with the expected sequence" (81). We expect closure, so that's what Woolf gives us-or seems to. I don't think the mark on the wall is a snail--or at least it might not be--and while it may not matter what the mark actually is, what it is not (or may not be) could matter a lot.    "
     ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/8655297.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/8655297.html 這個世界啊。 Tue, 07 Apr 2009 22:40:24 +0800     .




    死亡唯一能平撫的即對於死亡的畏懼。






    so do not fear death, it is the only way you can conquer it.



    ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/8636055.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/8636055.html 這個世界啊。 Sat, 04 Apr 2009 23:15:33 +0800     One Art

    Elizabeth Bishop



    The art of losing isn't hard to master;
    so many things seem filled with the intent
    to be lost that their loss is no disaster.
    Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
    of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
    The art of losing isn't hard to master.
    Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
    places, and names, and where it was you meant
    to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

    I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
    next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
    The art of losing isn't hard to master.


    I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
    some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
    I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.


    --Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
    I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
    the art of losing's not too hard to master
    though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster. 
    ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/8402079.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/8402079.html 這個世界啊。 Sat, 28 Feb 2009 14:09:50 +0800     A Twitch Upon the Thread
    "     These memories are the memorials and pledges of the vital hours of a lifetime. These hours of afflatus in the human spirit, the springs of art, are, in their mystery, akin to the epochs of history, when a race which for centuries has lived content, unknown, behind its own frontiers, digging, eating, sleeping, begetting, doing what was requisite for survival and nothing else, will, for a generation or two, stupefy the world; commit all manner of crimes, perhaps; follow the wildest chimeras, go down in the end in agony, but leave behind a record of new heights scaled and new rewards won for all mankind; the vision fades, the soul sickens, and the routine of survival starts again.
         The human soul enjoys these rare, classic periods, but, apart from them, we are seldom single or unique; we keep company in this world with a hoard of abstractions and reflections and counterfeits of ourselves--the sensual man, the economic man, the man of reason, the beast, the machine and the sleep-walker, and heaven knows what besides, all in our own image, indistinguishable from ourselves to the outward eye. We get borne along, out of sight in the press, unresisting, till we get the chance to drop behind unnoticed, or to dodge down a side street, pause, breathe freely and take our bearings, or to push ahead, outdistance our shadows, lead them a dance, so that when at length they catch up with us, they look at one another askance, knowing we have a secret we shall never share."

                                                                        --- Evelyn Waugh ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/8377019.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/8377019.html 這個世界啊。 Wed, 25 Feb 2009 21:17:10 +0800     i thought.


    我當時閉上眼睛就看見好多好多黑白色的小蓋斯博。



    然後就像閉上眼睛我會看見你一樣。





    黑白色的小小蓋斯博 印在粗麻布上。


    小小的。小小的。 ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/8257053.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/8257053.html 這個世界啊。 Thu, 05 Feb 2009 19:41:52 +0800     right to the point.



    "How can you respect the world when you see it's being run by a bunch of kids turned old?"


    I can't! ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/8206693.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/8206693.html 這個世界啊。 Sat, 31 Jan 2009 17:00:32 +0800     Frost / Nixon The Real Interview

    Sir David Paradine Frost, OBE (born 7 April 1939) is an English satirist, writer, journalist andtelevision presenter, best known as a pioneer of political satire on television and for his serious interviews of political figures










    When a president does it, that means it is not illegal.
    ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/8182165.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/8182165.html 這個世界啊。 Wed, 28 Jan 2009 12:54:08 +0800     這篇是 沒有參考價值 但是很認真的 畢業論文 東西 stuff (以天恩師的話來說，用這個字就是 crap的意思)




    關於「正」




    不知道什麼時候開始台灣人流行講「正」


    我知道香港人會說: 啊這手機很正。


    但台灣人的「正」純粹是ㄓㄥˋ。



    這字總讓我想起有個袁姓同學的發音方式。


    她在發「ㄥ」音時會有很濃的腔。或是鼻音。跟她媽媽發這個音的方式好像。


    (她的媽媽是我小學一年級的老師。)



    ㄓㄥˋ。




    所以在我腦中，只要一有人說「正」，我想到的不是漂不漂亮，而是鼻音很重的「ㄥ」。



    我一直不能習慣大家過分頻繁地使用這個字。


    因為，究竟這個字是什麼意思。



    「端正」？



    我想不盡然。



    一般人在使用「正」一字時，至少對我而言，帶著一點預設立場，

    或容許我這麼說，一點不甚平等的心態。



    長久以來，我始終覺得「正」是個歧視的字眼。



    這是我的偏見，當然。




    我覺得「正」影射了某些對於當事人的刻板印象。



    以及事實是，她/他們已無可避免被不相干人士所物化。



    一個人很「正」，如果不是端正的話，想必是「正點」了。




    正點 難道會是個很正向的辭嗎？


    我不覺得。




    我只想到 口哨、海灘、和永無止盡像是你追我跑的意象。






    雖然沒什麼資格講這種話，但我真格覺得奇怪。



    「正」到底是什麼意思。





    我總避免著使用「正」這個字，因為在我的詮釋中，這字感覺十分無禮。




    我也想知道，為什麼在我耳朵裡它聽起來如此負面。





    這莫非是小小的精神潔癖。






    我無法容忍有人輕忽地評論某個他們完全不知曉的人：這女的好正。



    「這女的」。




    「這女的」。



    你不知道她/他名字，就要用「這女的」 這三個字嗎。



    同時間難道那個無辜的少女不也被形塑為一個被鎖定的指涉對象。

    THAT.

    A TARGET.




    就像是我常親眼目睹的。時常發生的。然後我會看著這些人用著這樣的語言
    --請容許我使用偏激的詞語--

    侵犯了分明沒有任何意圖，只是經過的少女。


    她們是人。不是「這女的」或「那女的」。


    然後然後


    我會感到憤怒。


    語言的使用基於尊重。






    然而我不能理解的是，為什麼我的大腦將如此的表達轉換成某種無意的攻擊。


    應該不是所有人使用ㄓㄥˋ，我都會憤怒。
     

    而是某些人使用這個字的時機和心態。



    對，心態很重要。




    所以對我而言，很多事情，很多字，都極易變成某類攻擊，有意抑無意。






    用「漂亮」這兩個字 難道已經過時了嗎。




    不同意的話，我也沒輒。畢竟這只是我小小的發聲。




    台灣人還是會繼續ㄓㄥˋㄓㄥˋ ㄓㄥˋ個不停。




    就讓語言自我變遷吧。


    我只是個很老派的語言衛道者。



    (雖然有時語法不通)
    (和不可克制地使用「我」一字)(某種心理投射?)




    傑拉德的腳法好正。

    ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/8066905.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/8066905.html 這個世界啊。 Sun, 11 Jan 2009 15:49:39 +0800     Pathedy of Manners


    At twenty she was brilliant and adored,

    Phi Beta Kappa, sought for every dance;

    Captured symbolic logic and the glance

    Of men whose intersest was their sole reward.


    She learned the cultured jardon of those bred

    To antique crystal and authentic pearls,

    Scorned Wagner, praised the Degas dancing girls,

    And when she might have thought, conversed instead.



    She hung up her diploma, went abroad,

    Saw catalogues of domes and tapestry,

    Rejected an impoverished marquis,

    And learned to tell real Wedgwood from a fraud.

    Back home her breeding led her to espouse

    A bright young man whose pearl cufflinks were real.

    They had an ideal marriage, and ideal

    But lonely children in an ideal house.



    I saw her yesterday at forty-three,

    Her children gone, her husband one year dead,

    Toying with plots to kill time and re-wed

    Illusions of lost opportunity.




    But afraid to wonder what she might have known

    With all that wealth and mind had offered her,

    She shuns conviction, choosing to infer

    Tenets of every mind except her own.



    A hundred people call, though not one friend,

    To parry a hundred doubts with nimble talk.

    Her meanings lost in manners, she will walk

    Alone in brilliant circles to the end.




    ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/8058541.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/8058541.html 這個世界啊。 Fri, 09 Jan 2009 22:56:30 +0800     Nemo me Iimpune lacessit "No one provokes me with impunity."






    i screwed up everything. dammit.



    there's something I've learnt, though.



    if you set your mind on proving your can do something, you can make it.



    it's like if everybody claps their hands, then the little fairy will wake up.





    every goddamned thing is based on how much you want it.

    it sounds scary but so true.







    different people view things differently.





    each matter in life is defined differently by each person.



    i don't see why not.





    we all have rights to value a certain aspect of life.










    like, i want Liverpool to win the league title.
    so i determine to be there to witness every progress they make.



    they did it. they will keep winning.


    because i believe it?


    no, but they must be thinking about the same thing.








    it's not just about football games.



    i decided to write four pages on two questions in one single exam.

    and i did it. small things like this.


    decide and do it.


    actually it seldom lets me down. i mean, resolution. even a stupid one.



    i decide to prove to myself that i can do something.

    it is probably the most important goal in a lifetime, in my opinion, being able to show yourself you can do it, whatever it is.


    Resolution makes you stronger.


    i must continuously remind myself that if i want something, it's not gonna be easy.







    and yes, fellows, life ain't easy. cliche but as true as hell. ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/8042187.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/8042187.html 這個世界啊。 Wed, 07 Jan 2009 19:30:15 +0800     i am very sorry. 後悔莫及








    I will be a good student from now on.


    我會成為守規矩的學生。



    我會停止sarcasm.


    我會停止自作聰明。


    我會變成上進的乖巧學生。



    對不起。







    我對不起體制。對不起規則。這是真心而非譏諷。



    我總是對不起學校，對不起老師。





    對不起，絶非惡意。



    只是沒做好自我管控，我會停止小聰明和取巧。



    我會像正常的學生一樣，懂得受教。





    本來能夠假裝得很好了，但我為近期的鬆懈表達歉意。






    我不該走學校的路，卻一直佔著位置不走，這真的不是預料中的事。



    自國中開始，直至如今對於常規不時的輕蔑會消失。


    請接受我的道歉。


    這樣的心態會褪退，遲早會脫離這樣的心態，給我一點時間。 ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/7884131.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/7884131.html 這個世界啊。 Wed, 17 Dec 2008 19:16:12 +0800     there must be








    i do learn a lot.

    but i have no faith in future. future, what an abstract idea. ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/7774103.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/7774103.html 這個世界啊。 Thu, 04 Dec 2008 23:20:57 +0800     這就是 http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/7570783.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/7570783.html 這個世界啊。 Fri, 14 Nov 2008 15:39:13 +0800 我想唱歌。

    所以sonny's blue

    看得都快哭了。



    音樂的路

    聽起來像是隧道裡昏晦的光

    一邊沿著車掠行的軌跡一邊掉眼淚。








    我的長短腳就不會奇怪了。


    即使是一拐一拐走

    還是可以走在聲音裡


    自己一個人和我最想念的




    聽見了不禁全身顫動，像是閤上眼就能目睹高速行經並且搏動不止的宇宙。



    這輩子沒被什麼感動過。




    可是音樂讓人太感動了。




    如果可以全部吸進鼻子裡就好了。



    我說，這個世界能有音樂真是太好了。



    人類唯一最好的創造就是音樂。




    唉。














    可是不可能了。如果再有才華一點，再大膽一點，就去做了。



    人生是散落一地的細糖。掉下去可就撿不回來了。
































    頭髮再見。妳只待了一年半。cheers.
    ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/7566225.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/7566225.html 這個世界啊。 Thu, 13 Nov 2008 18:46:22 +0800     now i have black nails.



    and this.

    so pretty.








    i stayed up till 1.a.m yesterday to see the match between Liverpool and West blah blah (forgot.)

    they played really badly.i mean, Liverpool.

    i can't care less about Westxxx.
    but Liverpool should have played better coz Westxxx is the second worst team on the match table.


    dammit.


    i was dying in the middle of the night.
    it took me two hours to have the whole thing finished.

    and i went to bed at 3:25.

    crazy bastard.

    all alone in the living room, tryna shout at the players.
    (why didn't you defense!!)
    (why aren't you moving at all!!)
    (what is wrong with you guys!!)
    (Is passing the ball correctly to the person in your team that hard!!)


    but stevie did a great job.

    he helped his teammates, trying to let them score as much as possible.


    and he looked kinda tired.


    i prattled on why Torres wasn't entering the field since he kept running back and forth by the bench.


    stevie was subsituted in the second half.

    I WAS PRACTICALLY REALLY DEPRESSED.

    however, I persisted in watching the whole game and persisted in watching Torres play.


    He did enter the game.
    He substituted for Robbie Keane.

    and sadly Alonso was the one who replaced Stevie. I was so sad.




    He was frowning till the moment he left the game.

    I so wanna hug him.

    Don't DESPAIR, STEVIE!



    I wanna hug Viola too.

    He (yep you see it right.)(the play is a bunch of guys in female disguise.)
    (no, allow me to correct myself. the actors of the play are all males. so the female characters are also portrayed by guys in dresses and with bashful smiles.)


    there was a conference afterwards. I saw the actor who played Viola. He was very very interesting.

    Though he looked better on stage.


    on the contrary, sebastian was too beautiful to be true.

    too shy to be true."what has just happened !?" was basically the only thing flashing through my mind at that time.(coz i didn't really remember him on the stage.)


    you go girl. boy. (......)



    you are like torres.


    I kept murmuring how delicate and pretty Torres looked yesterday when i was absolutely gradually losing my mind coz I was goin' to die of exhaustion.



    You are all the perfect examples for pretty boys that gods love in greek mythology. this is my conclusion.


    it is not fair. but a beautiful thing to remember.



    (sigh.....)

    ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/7539921.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/7539921.html 這個世界啊。 Sun, 09 Nov 2008 21:55:49 +0800     i'm not sure about why

    為什麼我要那樣生氣地跟他講道理

    雖然我的道理很薄弱。


    但我當下只是覺得
    不合理不合理不合理。



    你說那些官僚的語言
    當我從小到大沒聽過嗎



    我們為什麼不就事論事

    do us a god damn tiny favor.


    we know we have to be better, but right now this is not the best time to do it.

    cuz we're fucking stressed-out.that's why.


    we're anxious the whole week and you can't even let us decide what i want to do at this critical moment.

    we choose to do something much more important.

    we choose to give up something to finish something else.


    不過想想


    我這樣跟我爸很像



    我爸平日都悠悠哉哉 散散的

    可是他遇到很鳥的事
    也會暴走 跟那個人理論


    所以唉









    對不起 總之 偉恩先生



    我不是針對你

    只是實在太不合理了


    我分明有自己決定學習機會的權利。




      ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/7473889.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/7473889.html 這個世界啊。 Thu, 30 Oct 2008 20:49:48 +0800     vote

    有好多人我都喜歡

    其實我喜歡李奧納多 但不是臉

    而是他是個誠懇的人



    還有natalie. yep no doubt about it.

    以及其它


    如果裡面至少有一個你喜歡的人
    你就會照他所說的做。


    ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/7280099.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/7280099.html 這個世界啊。 Thu, 02 Oct 2008 20:27:19 +0800     uh











    「如果真的有人覺得，我做過什麼使你失望，那必得誠惶誠恐地告訴你：『請你忘記吧，請你把我也順道忘記吧。』


    『對不起，我絕非惡意。』


    自始至終，總畏懼有哪個人因為我這個混蛋受到影響，所以請把我當作你人生中小小的頓點，如果你再也不和我接觸，就請忘了吧。


    對不起。」 ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/7252005.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/7252005.html 這個世界啊。 Tue, 23 Sep 2008 13:00:55 +0800     differences

    "如果能夠在異地重生，也許就能超越那些，曾經不斷圈綁著，並且使我沉落的一段人生。理想如此，十年後，我將於異地重新地，歡歡喜喜地，做為一個人。"






    ======================

    augustana的 hey now

    討論版上有人覺得是講朋友，有人講說是自我挫折。


    但我一聽就覺得political

    好奇怪。我覺得這首歌絕對不只是寫 -什麼人很孤單需要朋友- 這種。


    這詞格局應該很大的我想。



    譬如說戰爭。

    我首先想起的是反戰美國人對於自己發動的戰爭的思考。


    或者不那麼political的話

    就是寫社會價值扭曲的事實


    但是也只是我的解讀


    可是必須這樣解讀

    這首歌的力量才足以顯現。



    我們的確為了未知的事件流血
    我們屠殺彼此，甚至自己

    為的是

    find freedom, as it says.


    但是freedom是什麼。


    什麼才是尋找自由的辦法。

    "the price of freedom is eternal vigilance."



    我們要的是解脫

    但是到了最後
    其實什麼也找不到。


    we’re just bleeding for nothing,
    it’s hard to breathe when
    you’re standing on your own,
    we’ll kill ourselves to find freedom,
    you’ll kill yourself
    to find anything at all...

    因為戰爭是孤立的。


    人生也是孤立的。

    永遠都得stand on your own.

    混亂發生的時候我們能夠冷靜

    可是我們應當怪罪什麼

    那起初都是美好的物事。
    blame it on the roses.


    互相推諉

    直至最後我們什麼也不剩。

    從頭開始就是空無

    去計較去謀殺去圖害

    都是毫無意義可言。



    所以the fray的some trust要說

    some trust in fear
    some trust in fortune.

    首先接受自己的畏懼
    接受這個世界的無辜暴力和一點點幸運

    最終必須曉得我們的恐懼無力

    都是建構於虛空之上而已。


    而報復或者自我殘害都只會使我們更加孤立。


    人無法以孤立的姿態定義。

    終究是


    即使抓不住所相信的，也要反思


    到底社會體制出了什麼錯

    為什麼我們要暈頭轉向地做出自己都無法解讀的事？


    我現在因為感冒而昏頭昏腦地做出這些沒有重點的言論。

    但畢竟這只會是種因為片段的詞語而衍發的感覺。


    縱然要以理智的心態評論


    也只會是種難以言說

    卻是因為可以藉之審思而感動莫名的感受罷了。


    全部歌詞如下

    sky black and blue,
    blue turned to red,
    it’s quiet in the streets now,
    but it’s screaming in your head

    i ain’t a fool,
    but i’ve got my doubts,
    say it doesn’t hurt,
    it doesn’t matter anyhow, anyhow...

    hey we’re just bleeding for nothing,
    it’s hard to breathe when
    you’re standing on your own,
    we’ll kill ourselves to find freedom,
    you’ll kill yourself
    to find anything at all...

    so lock all the doors,
    and put your child to rest,
    there’s fire in the streets now,
    but it’s quiet in your head...

    we’re passing the time,
    by breaking apart,
    we’re damned at the end,
    and we’re damned at the start,

    blame it on the roses,
    blame it on the red,
    we’re running out of time,
    and i’m running out of breath,

    hey now, we’re bleeding for nothing,
    it’s hard to breathe when
    you’re standing on your own,
    we’ll kill ourselves to find freedom,
    you’ll kill yourself to find anything,

    we say goodbye, everyday and nite,
    we write it on the walls,
    well everybody’s gonna need somebody,
    to take our troubles and our worries
    and our problems all away,

    hey now, hey now, hey now
    right now...


    http://tw.youtube.com/watch?v=7Zre79AkEz4






    最後 jimmy kimmel you're such a prick.
    我們不是未開發也不是沒有電視。
    你這個不說沒有人會發現的準種族歧視者。 ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/7216223.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/7216223.html 這個世界啊。 Sat, 20 Sep 2008 22:46:25 +0800     the explanation is nonetheless, needless. (繼續閱讀...) ]]>


    " why should we always try to defend ourselves when there's really nothing to explain about?"





    ======================================= (繼續閱讀...) ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/7132411.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/7132411.html 這個世界啊。 Sun, 07 Sep 2008 22:46:46 +0800     breathtaking

    Be ready for the profoundly exquisite and angelic figure.


    speechlessly gorgeous.


    cuteness combined with elegance beyond measure.


    one of my favourite people on the planet.












     one and only,Ms. Portman.



















    you are the greatest. ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/7080759.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/7080759.html 這個世界啊。 Sun, 31 Aug 2008 23:43:21 +0800     I pray, therefore I live.
    press the button to play.
    (but need to turn off the bgm on the left side of this page.)

    the shins- Caring is Creepy.






    okay.


    this is it.



    praying is all you can ask for.





    when you have nothing you give in.



    you give yourself in to something more nebulous.


    life is not a cryptic fable.



    but you must surrender to something greater than you.


    you stay dormant while things happen.



    please do happen.





    I pray, therefore, I have another chance to breathe deeply and hold on to my precious supports. ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/6732653.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/6732653.html 這個世界啊。 Sat, 09 Aug 2008 13:48:37 +0800     as poor as a church mouse.

    when you stop remembering what exactly you have done,

    you become the poorest person in the universe.






    颱風快吹走那柄從北方那座大島拎回來的黑亮的傘時，我走在大街上，像是可以無畏前行。



    然後我閃過那些人，走上四樓(其實記不得是哪一樓呀。)，看到好多白色而了無雕飾的視野，這群人皆穿藍色襯有黃紋領的上衣，有個人抬頭看了一眼。




    我輕輕攫起一隻黑色的小貂，牠的尾巴繞著軀體盤捲。


    三百八十四元。


    一隻羅技的貂要吃掉口袋裡的三百八十四元。



    可是牠坦滑的腹部此時展顯著一生最驕傲而耗力的虹光。




    我跟他說so goodbye, forever?


    接著便用唱的
     

    F~o~R~e~V~e~R ?


    那好像是我無意識間學了某個記憶中的電影片段。

    三個音節可以用唱的不合諧音程。



    不要忘了你的傘哪。


    right, thank you.




    F~O~R~E~V~E~R.

    我想是從那些意志裡的小曲來的。







    另外

    有次睡著前想起

    以前我會把名字拼成MeLaN!E

    只是現在我滿心想要把英文名字改成護照上漢語拼音我真正的名字。 ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/6606159.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/6606159.html 這個世界啊。 Sun, 27 Jul 2008 23:58:59 +0800     growing up is mandatory, growing wise is optional.




    我現在頭髮是捲的耶

    但那個人說三個月後就會變直


    也就是說在我隱居這期間頭髮都是很創新的樣子


    但一開學又會直回來了

    哇那意義為何？





    高興就好。









    最近看過的電影是

    巴黎夜未眠

    我姊說原片名翻成英文會是-together, that's all.-的意思。



    下一部是婚禮之後after the wedding
    也是歐洲片耶好上進


    我頂想看些YA片的倒是


    人生總有些時候想看YA片。 



    p.s

    如果成功的話
    也許人生就可以改變

    人就可以被改變


    那就讓事情成功吧。 ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/6507045.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/6507045.html 這個世界啊。 Tue, 15 Jul 2008 18:22:17 +0800     stop crying.








    就是你失敗了

    admit it. you've failed.

    then you should stop crying.


    stop connecting everything together.

    it's not causation.



    you just become dumber, big deal.



    you need to pull yourself together.

    nobody gets it so you need to pull yourself together.




    and,
    admit your failure.

    don't tell me you're working very hard.

    obviously you're not.


    you know what,

    you never have to work this hard, so you have to take up all the crap now.


    you don't succeed just because you've been working hard as you think you should.

    no one guarantees whether or not something pays off even if you spend everything on it.


    but that doesn't mean you should drop it.


    pick it up.



    i order you to stop your sadness.

    move on. ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/6189147.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/6189147.html 這個世界啊。 Tue, 17 Jun 2008 20:57:20 +0800     save the cheerleader,save the world. notes of trivias :


    1. save kids suffering from allergies.



    我的過敏症狀此時到達了它一生的高峰。


    它可在不同時間，變形成不同的狀態。





    早上是喉嚨。

    一出門就會變成尋麻疹。

    最持久的是耳鳴大概可以撐個一兩個禮拜。




    鼻塞沒什麼好說的因為一生都在鼻塞。


    今天上課時出現了嶄新的症狀，竟然是罕見的流鼻涕。



    每天都能有新發現。


         2. 台灣人都讓車子先走。

    我只好尷尬地對她們點頭以致謝。


        3.完蛋了整個都完蛋了。


        4.終於向日文老師問了一個問題

    可我不敢看她的眼睛。


        5.27 dresses.

    主角們都非常有魅力
    但故事很無力。

        6.真的完了。


        7.什麼。



        8. 為什麼我要開這篇？


        9. i feel like crap.






        10. i wish you a merry merry future. ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/6136453.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/6136453.html 這個世界啊。 Thu, 05 Jun 2008 19:21:07 +0800     before you barf, swallow it down first 「...

    "But, sometimes people simply stop liking you."

    They stop for no reason.

    I'm not sure whether or not I can use the verb "like" with i-n-g.

    Because it somehow sounds ridiculous.

    One thing for sure is, I believe from the bottom of my heart that,"like" should be something progressive, continuous .


    well,I accidentally blurted it out after she said something to me.

    she said something about a person she likes.

    Those words just slipped out.


    It does not narrowly refer to a sweetheart.

    I guess there are parents who actually stop liking their children; friends stop recalling you in their conversations.


    I do stop liking a lot of things, a lot of passersby in my life.
    People do that, and it's nobody's fault.

    Fervency dies out soon.

    It's nothing serious though.

    From time to time, those who are omitted from someone's list of favorites as well forget the feelings about the pain they try to recover from becoming insignificant in the one's heart ─and that's when they all stop, stop liking each other.

    Stop liking someone is not equal to disliking someone.

    I'm not sure why this suddenly turns out to be melancholy when written down in words.

    No, it is not sad at all.

    It's part of the processing of your brains.

    It's like deterioration in remembrance.

    and sometimes, at the end of your struggles in life, you stop liking yourself for no reason.


    You merely lose the ability to like the world, even yourself.

    The conclusion is that one oughtn't regard it as the end of the world when you find that someone stops smiling at you.
    It just happens.
                                                                                         」



    p.s

    剛看到赤壁賦的一段句子，突然想起以前高中課本上我藍色墨水的筆記。

    我的字體本來是很大的，為了塞在那窄仄的行距裡，不知費了多少氣力。

    然後以為聞到了蒸飯箱的味道。

    那時候我的位子在門口旁邊，門口旁邊擺的是蒸飯箱，那個巨大鐵食器的門有點歪。不是我撞的。

    接近中午的國文課。

    即使現在，我拿起那段賦文，都能聞到不知從何而來的金屬盒子裡，粗焦、粘牙的飯香。


    ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/6092503.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/6092503.html 這個世界啊。 Mon, 26 May 2008 21:24:39 +0800     a freaking twisted world.
    「...
    I wish I  were  you. But I am not.
    I wish I were perfect. But I am not.
    I wish I didn't have to care about all the things that hurt me or frustrate me or even push me down into where the darkness conquers the faintest light.

    I wish I could start over my life.
    I wish I could just laugh at my mistakes and get over them.
    I can't get over any tiny mistake.
    I am trying to become a better person.
    But do you know how hard it is?
    If I am never better than anyone, how can I possibly BE a better person?

    I want to be nice. I want to say I love every one of the people living on this planet. But I don't. I can't love everyone like a warm-hearted angelic person.

    I am cynical because of the education I received, because of the way I grew up, because of my past experience.
    I am not kind enough because intrinsically my essence is not.
    I am not nice simply because ,I am not.

    I am judged by my countenance. I am judged because I don't look serious enough.
    How am I supposed to improve my facial expression when this is really nothing I can take control of ?
    It is the false image given by my external appearance .

    One can become some others' target even when he/she is never a fierce person.One is aimed at by someone because he/she is chosen.

    Then how is one ever going to know what to do in front of people with hostile intentions?


    The only thing you can do is become invisible.
    Stay silent forever hushed forever.
    There will never be any trace of your exsitence.

    Then silence renders an idividual irrelevant to the world.
    Forgetable and insignificant.


    I wish I were you. I wish I knew how to fix the flaws in my motivation for turning into a silent but genuine human being.

    You can never be loved when merely being who you are.」







    i wish to become everything i aspire to.
     ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/5950915.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/5950915.html 這個世界啊。 Tue, 29 Apr 2008 18:17:52 +0800     Walden, or Life in the woods
    the point is, i like Henry David Thoreau.


    "...what are the true necessaries and means of life, it appears as if men had deliberately chosen the common mode of living because they preferred it to any other. Yet they honestly think there is no choice left. But alert and healthy natures remember that the sun rose clear. It is never too late to give up our prejudices. No way of thinking or doing, however ancient, can be trusted without proof. What every body echoes or in silence passes by as true to-day may turn out to be falsehood to-morrow, mere smoke of opinion, which some had trusted for a cloud that would sprinkle fertilizing rain on their fields.......
    Old people did not know enough one, perchance, to fetch fresh fuel to keep the fire going; new people put a little dry wood under a pot, and are whirled round the globe with the speed of birds, in a way to kill old people, as the phrase is.

    Age is no better, hardly as well, qualified for an instructor as youth, for it has not profited so mch as it has lost. One may almost doubt if the wisest man has learned anything of absolute value by living. Practically, the old have no very important advice to give the young, their own experience has been so partial, and their lives have been such miserable failures, for private reasons, as they must believe; and it may be that they have some faith left which belies that experience, and they are only less young than they were.

    I have lived some thirty years on this planet, and I have yet to hear the first syllable of valuable or even earnest advice from my seniors. They have told me nothing, and probably cannot tell me any thing, to the purpose.

    Here is life, an experiment to a great extent untried by me; but it does not avail me that they have tried it. If I have any experience which I think valuable, I am sure to reflect that this my Mentors said nothing about."




    so freaking uplifting. i don't know why. i get really excited when reading this kind of article or speech or proverbs.
    i am prone to easily being affected by the power of eloquency and one's sole confidence.

    that might be attributed to my low self-esteem. (as someone once put it: "you can't blame us for praising because you have low self-esteem." yah right, that's harsh.) ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/5924043.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/5924043.html 這個世界啊。 Sat, 26 Apr 2008 11:39:17 +0800     there's really no way to reach it. There wasn't a tiny bit of them remaining. Everything is lost. It is lost and you had not noticed until you were lain before the fact that everything was moving, shifting furiously from where you were standing. But you were stuck on that ground , the little confined area you've once been so proud of.
    Then it's time to turn around and look at yourself.
    Who have you become?
    Do you still value yourself as they used to do?
    Do you still, have the thing to be valued ,or to be looked upon?
    Where are you going?


    Does it make you sick and unimaginably stupid when you find you are no more than a perfectly normal ordinary everybody. not somebody?

    Why did you feel the elevator this afternoon, in which you were all alone, unsteadily rocking till it stopped ? Why did you assume you've lost your mind thinking the world was shaking irrationally? Why did you get the actual dizziness after you stepped out and feared that it might just fall and collapse?

    Your world has collapsed.
    You have collapsed.
    Every part of you has broken into pieces.Like splinters of glass.
    Nobody's ever going to know your void.To make it more clear, you are nothing else but a total blank.

    Now I stand in front of these, which have so preciously built up my past life as an innocent and well-deliberated person. 

    I cannot evermore take out my hand and say I can do anything.
    Just like when he asked why I was grabbing my hand with nothing but so tightly.I could not answer.

    Because there is nothing in it.  ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/5604773.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/5604773.html 這個世界啊。 Wed, 27 Feb 2008 21:06:22 +0800     my deepest fear is that i cannot talk like humans do. what's your deepest fear?
    by Marianne William

    our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
    our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
    It is our light,not our darkness,that most frightens us.
    Your playing small does not serve the world.
    There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
    We are all meant to shine as children do.
    It's not in some of us.
    It's in everyone.
    And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
    As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.



    ----------+-------------


    the following will be like homework to submit.
    though the fact is i do not have a private english teacher.
    there may be must be quite a few mistakes in it. sorry about it.
    *the context structure may seem disordered.well, very much disordered. but the point in writing this is being able to at least crudely express what i am thinking. the biggest problem is i am still seeking for a way to force myself to think in english.



    Music Is An Important Part Of Our Life

    (92指考?)


    Obviously, the title will only be a reminder of what I should focus on.Since I am no longer a high school student, I may as well write what I really want to say.The topic is perfect anyway. I like to talk about music.With time passing, my favor for certain music type has been gradually changing. Though I could hardly remember the music I liked five years ago. Nevertheless, I 've always liked it, no matter how my taste has developed  (or rather faltered?) through times.
    Generally, I prefer Rock. I am not sure if the music I listen to is called Rock at all. One thing for sure is that I am not particularly fond of soft and plain music.That doesn't mean I like Heavy Rock.I don't like Heavy Metal. I don't like people shouting instead of singing.
    The memories I have with different music are especially worth metioning here. Each song represents a specific mood or tableau.The music and its surroundings blend with each other so that the sound becomes its own distinctive background music, like every event has its own sound track. They sweep out and covers every detail,and all that turns into a part of my past, my present, and my future.Everything that has taken place in my life has its melody.I am the producer, and I decide what's to be played.

    Then why is it important? I never thought of the importance of it. Maybe it's not essential to life, but rather a choice you make.You choose music to participate in your life, so eventually you can't live without it. That is the time --the time you figure out what soothes you best and what makes you perfectly content--that the importance of it reveals.
    Sometimes, when you listen to music and be completely into it, you get spiritual experience.It's hard to explain what that experience really is, but the outcome is clear--your emotions are being touched by unknown power. The power can make you feel irrational,and something inside you is pulling every part of you.It can be like a stream of warm fluid running through your veins.It can be like something strong hammering passionately at your heart. You swing with the beat, and hum with the tone.It is when you are liberated from all the fetters. You are free and unique at the same time. The world outside can not harm you, because you have something to cling to, and to rely upon. ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/5583345.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/5583345.html 這個世界啊。 Sat, 23 Feb 2008 17:40:57 +0800     at the Odeon Leicester Square in London
    she was there on 19,Feb.


    so close but so distant at the same time.



    at least i was there on the same ground . it's just the time was far earlier.


    i wish i was still there. standing for three hours. not for the pointless potter premiere but for this.
    i wish i was there.

    i am going to burst out in tears.

    i was indeed there. but at the wrong time.


    odeon. leicester square.
    london. leicester square . i even played sudoku there beside the fountain.

    and i saw shrek the third at odeon.not the other boleyn girl.
    never the other boleyn girl.not star wars. not closer. never anything in your bloody dreams.


    it is exactly the same situation happened last year.

    when i was on the other side of the planet, mr.gerrard showed up in hong kong.

    that is just too much to bear.
    so sorrowful a life, a stupid admirer life can ever be. ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/5570601.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/5570601.html 這個世界啊。 Wed, 20 Feb 2008 20:59:01 +0800     to whom it may concern
    says Kari Stefansson,president of the Icelandic genetic firm DeCode.

    "We may have been designed by evolution in a very complex manner for the sole purpose of making sure we eventually die."




    for the sole purpose of understanding and accepting the fact that we are all ,heading towards the utimate stop , towards our demise.

    the sole purpose.



    and we've mistaken it as something you have in hand.

    misunderstood our fates.

    a total distorted and upsidedown illusion about life.  ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/4655689.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/4655689.html 這個世界啊。 Sun, 16 Dec 2007 15:38:40 +0800     2351810
    21 三愛












    「


    這是我這輩子第一次站在北一女中的操場，也是最後一次。北一女的墨綠色操場上有大大小小的坑洞裡面有黃澄澄的水。國旗在司令台上吹動，然後我想起校長時常朝會時站在一叢樹葉下，綠的紫的藍的黃的一朵花垂在台上。
    然後我又想起課間操，惠妮休斯頓還是missy elliot的歌聲，我永遠都學不會，即便我真的完成了一套v字型踏步，不免還是有人會殷切地看著問我是否因為暈眩而重心不穩(或許是喝醉了?)，所以每當我在從事不同運動時，不管是排球網球你跑我追，雖然我全部失敗，卻仍然甘之如飴。尤其記得那段玩水的日子，學校的游泳池我十分熟稔，(為了六十分不惜游了12次)洪同學宇宣與我於2004那年冬天，完成了許多紀錄，我們集滿了那張游12次200次都沒有禮物的小卡片，卑微地換了一個六十的數字，可是我是知足的。(為什麼考游泳不考騎腳踏車呢)另外小組編舞也是完美的回憶。縱使那時長期的舞蹈使得坐骨神經愈加疼痛的我，在某一天練完去挑服裝時坐在地上委屈地哭。我依舊感謝這種經驗，它讓我明白了解到不會跳舞的人，就真的，真的不該跳。『三、二、一』讓我驚覺自己不屈不撓的毅力(和事實上我的氣喘也並沒有完全痊癒過)網球也一直打不起來，我並不很了解為什麼。
    其實我無法細數所有的回憶，那些事情只有發生時才最記得。
    穿著黑短褲走過一圈圈的跑道，那種屬於追風少年的味道、亮度，在有人呼朋引伴打排球的熱情下格外顯著。那絕對是一種集體式的青春。每一個人在疲憊下徹底展放的自我。像飛鼠一樣開展的翅翼。陽光是免費的，養老院的散步，李老師懷中的厚唇，余校長秘書的細腿，一些細瑣的事件。
    總而言之，三年的體育課我體力毫無長進，然而我是學到什麼，學到沒穿體育服就用運動外套遮掩嗎？還是期限如果是十二月四日，那真正的期限就是一月八日的拉里拉雜？反正我學了，只是說不出來罷了。」


    ......? ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/4600331.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/4600331.html 這個世界啊。 Sun, 09 Dec 2007 16:08:34 +0800     給你的情書， You are my favourite in the world.

    像是elton john的歌一樣

    i hope you don't mind,

    i hope you don't mind

    that i put down in words

    how wonderful life is now you're in the world.



    狗鉤你想要跟我說什麼

    其實你很久沒有看到我今天見面你感到很快樂?


    今天淡水的風冷

    打在臉上我都停止呼吸了。


    可是看到你我就很高興非常高興

    你也很高興地搖尾巴向我的手關節推擠


    今天吃晚餐的時候我坐在地上

    叫你來坐在我旁邊

    然後你趴在已經冰涼的地板上對我撒嬌

    全世界也只有你會這麼做

    我把手放在你的脖子上用手指搔搔你的耳朵

    你竟然留在我的旁邊沒有跑走


    今天你也是先來與我打招呼我很高興


    你每次看到我都是這個快樂的模樣

    而我也同時像是回到六歲一樣

    你來的夏天夜晚一樣快樂


    縱使你前兩天才看見我

    卻總表現得像是好久不見

    可是謝謝你要謝謝你。


    你是全世界我最喜歡的。you are my favourite.


    我已經分不清楚我對你是什麼感情。

    因為她們說我已經搞不清楚你不是人只是一隻小黑狗。


    可是，妳說我們是不是已經超越了科屬種的藩籬

    建立了很奇特的一場秘密的友誼。


     我要把damien rice 就是我放在右邊的這首歌

    現在在播的這首歌送給你 (已改)


    妳聽他唱好了我找不到key



    這首歌叫做

    dogs

    雖然內容是寫有關一個女孩

    但我心意也是很足夠



    she lives with an orange tree and a girl that does yoga
    she picks the dead ones from the ground when we come over
    and she gives i get without giving anything to me
    like a morning sun
    like a morning
    like a morning sun
    like a good good morning sun
    the girl that does yoga
    when we come over
    the girl that does yoga

    he lives in a little house on the side of a little hill
    picks the litter from the ground , litter little brother spills
    he gives i get without giving anything to me
    and the dogs they run
    and the dogs they run
    in the good good morning sun
    side of a little hill
    litter little brother spills
    side of a little hill

    and she's always dressed  in white
    she's like an angel man she burns my eyes
    when she turns she pulls a smile
    we drive her'round man she drives us wild
    and she moves like a little girl
    i become a child man she moves my world
    and she gets splashed in paint and turns away
    and leaves me standing

    she lives with an orange tree and a girl that does yoga
    got a wolf to keep her warm when he comes over
    she gives he gets without giving anything to see
    and the day it ends
    and the day it
    and the day it ends
    and there's no need for me
    with a girl that does yoga
    when we come over
    with a girl that does yoga.


    那是因為今天晚上我在籃球場前面看見那隻大狗

    牠一隻狗跑出來玩耍

    然後我想到牠的主人搬走了

    那怎麼辦怎麼辦

    還好牠快樂地一路搖著尾巴回家

    也許牠的主人會定時回來餵牠這是我的希望。


                                                 by your best friend in the world。 


    p.s

    因為是跟狗講話所以看起來

    好像瞬間年齡退化到只會很簡單詞彙的樣子

    像是只會用快樂跟高興這兩個字


    可是要我怎麼辦呢。




    為什麼當我簡化自己的語言的時候

    怎麼會變得

    這麼地

    讓我本人 難以承受   呢。呢。


    噢。gosh。

    ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/4334339.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/4334339.html 這個世界啊。 Sat, 20 Oct 2007 20:54:28 +0800     now i'm getting serious 我在雅唬首頁看到吳尊還有想到fahrenheit的事
    也許可以延伸到花樣男子或者其它曾經凋零曾經輝煌的偶像。

    台灣要塑造偶像

    這在我眼中是很迫切的一件事

    漂亮的東西

    漂亮的人

    是可以打天下的。

    因為人類喜歡一件事一個東西一個人

    基本上就可以一直喜歡下去

    我不知道這跟人類的精神本質有無關連
    或者是心態導致的激素

    人類的確是可以產生激動情緒的動物

    而這種情緒不就應該被我們自己重新加工利用

    包裝再包裝
    重複再重複


    所謂娛樂業就是地球人互相娛樂
    管你語言通不通


    看看強尼的孩子們造就多大的效應
    不會講日語的通通去學
    把這些少年當成自己的朋友兒子男朋友哥哥弟弟
    然後基於
    疼惜或者喜歡或者愛護的立場
    每個月砸時間和金錢和體力從事這類的活動


    好厲害我真的覺得。


    而且不覺得我們身為人
    傾向一種
    會想知道五官對稱平衡的人
    在做什麼喜歡什麼
    昨天吃什麼今天要去哪裡
    這種接近偷窺又或者做不到得不到
    那就要一手掌握的感情嗎


    人真的是可以被塑造成一個個很完整又八方發展的商品
    而且完全沒有病態的感覺

    總括下來實際上
    人可以從人身上揩到的錢
    比人手製造的貨品還要多耶。



    p.s
    不覺得"人"這個字看三百四十九次就不像人反而像別的東西。

    還有，

    不覺得看這篇會覺得很錯亂嗎？

    我是有文字障礙嗎。可惡。

    ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/4067479.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/4067479.html 這個世界啊。 Sun, 02 Sep 2007 16:16:08 +0800     Better than here (繼續閱讀...) ]]> 我突然想起以前。在星期二下午，通常有點潮濕的步程，每個人會像大型哺乳動物遷徙一般，緩慢如故障的器械，走向悶熱難耐其實也許是倉庫的活動中心。
    那是叫週會，有一回呂秀蓮來了。有一回有羅智成。簡ㄓㄣ。也有很多冠冕堂皇但站到國父面前對我們而言都只是小黑點而已的會長主席政客。我是突然想起大家或清醒或夢遊般攜帶的物品，尤其是英文課本。我不曉得把英文拽在身邊是在作夢還是什麼的，但我很曉得想要從事忽視主講者工作的企圖十分萬分強烈。我可以在小吃店都有的大型冷氣櫃物聞到每個人心理輕蔑的味道。可能是種集體的儀式，大家一起，心中默聲下令，翻--開--。

    (繼續閱讀...) ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/2738745.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/2738745.html 這個世界啊。 Fri, 16 Feb 2007 21:30:04 +0800     the truck and the soldiers (繼續閱讀...) ]]>

    .....Her face, pressed sideways to the piling, absorbs it all: the truck and the soldiers, the mother and the child.


    -Try to be a bit more Positive. Life is still something you can look forward to.

     

    1.  記得那是要升上高中的關鍵時刻。處處都一股肅殺的氣氛。我想大概可以十四世紀黑死病在歐洲蔓延的情形比擬。坐捷運要戴口罩(沒帶的人可向詢問處購買)，只要有人咳嗽大家就驚恐萬分，連走在路上都很怕被傳染。尤其是喜好誇大事實的媒體更以聳動的跑馬燈、二十四小時SNG連線、世界末日的背景音樂,塑造整個社會好像已經淪陷的景象。我們這屆的基本學力測驗因為SARS (香港人說 : 非典) 而延期，當時得知延期的消息心情錯綜複雜。有些學校畢業典禮不辦了。老師說剩下幾天大家就回家吧。到處都是測量溫度的器具。體溫正常的領綠色貼紙，不正常的領紅色。世界上好像被分成兩種人：感染SARS的人跟害怕感染SARS的人。

    (繼續閱讀...) ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/2723973.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/2723973.html 這個世界啊。 Wed, 14 Feb 2007 10:55:26 +0800     辰光的褪逝

    就以波特曼女士作結吧。


    「我們知道或不知道，
    匆促換裝地在不同劇情的攝影棚間趕場串戲。
    不一樣的人生。

    ................

    在那無可回身的走道，
    遇見某個故人，彼此想起什麼，
    黯淡地互望一眼：『不想就過了這樣，這樣的一生』」

    (《我們》/ 駱以軍 )



    那我的一生會是跟朋友小斑馬一起
    一起擅越各式各量的平面大斑馬
    並且在最後
    進入七彩炫迷的兒童遊樂館裡
    意外地發現

    其實一直沒有能克服對於不知道這三個字囊括的所有的灰心懼念嗎。

    對於曾經那麼幼小
    我也感到十分驚異


    (誤;應為1990年代)


    兩千零七年 我希望能成為一個 知識份子 。

    這篇是許願文。over.

    ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/2610869.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/2610869.html 這個世界啊。 Sun, 31 Dec 2006 15:51:26 +0800     and at that very moment , (繼續閱讀...) ]]> i became ever so powerless.





    「
       這可以是一件事。也可以是所有的事。



    ── 既然這樣為甚麼要慌慌張張的？



    我 想要坦蕩地承認這種接近歇斯底里的無能狀態。
    也許從一開始就是這樣了。


    或者那是一個宛如發黃底片夢域般的場景，一條狹窄陰濕的小徑，直楞楞地通往一個，暗微微發著昏憒燈光的岔口。

    我可以輕鬆感覺到右手邊書報攤的農民曆，被風吹起又即刻頜首的書頁，即使在沒有觸碰的情形下，仍然有著光亮卻粗糙的紙質。

    我想要為這個地方做點小小雕飾的描述。
    因為它是如此適合構成主演我心理狀況逐漸發展乃至極具戲劇張力的舞台。


    那些一小段一小段頹敗的世界，嘉年華似地流動、展開，

    最後再一口氣地黯落。(像把日落時分的影片快動作重播)



    這時，我已經聞到一股水果跟乾貨攪和在一起的嗆鼻味道。


    午風陣陣撩騷而來。


    想著要為愛車添購照明燈。於是皺了眉頭。

    就在經過販售國產腳踏車的小店後，我回過頭來，想起小時候跟父親來過這裡，左挑右選，最終買了一台粉紅色的淑女車。( 怎麼是這種顏色？ )


    那我就應該止步於腳踏車前的。

    ( 活該活該 )


    如果沒有抵達那個地方，聽見耳邊說的話，看到你坐在那裡意興闌珊地撥弄頭髮，我會一時間慌了手腳轉身就逃嗎？

    (繼續閱讀...) ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/2520600.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/2520600.html 這個世界啊。 Sat, 25 Nov 2006 13:16:49 +0800     There she Goes again.
    是從什麼時候開始的？從什麼時候開始我們逐日像隨季節遷徙的駝獸，躡手躡腳走上那道彷彿直通蒼穹的階梯？
    那是一個銜接兩道階梯的橢型區域。在窄仄的空間裡，一旁牆上鑲嵌兩扇日據時期遺留疑似兼具斷頭功能的木框窗。潮濕的氛圍，污朽黑漆的大理石地板總使得各式名牌球鞋嘎吱嘎吱響。於是我們小心翼翼，如同手捧一碗正隨沸水舒展開來的泡麵，行走於僅僅兩公尺不到的距離。
    我記得很清楚那一幅畫面。她們聳肩縮頸，背靠窗台對我說話。毛躁不一的髮梢皆因浴身一道由窗外透入的光照而令人目眩地閃動。我會時而端倪她們因逆光呈現輪廓分明的暗黑剪影，用指尖勾勒出其不同的樣貌。我也和她們說話，說一些愉快的話語。而這通常是在倦疲渾沌的文史課後，我們無意識例行此種狀似秘密刺殺組織的活動。我們都真的以為自己創造了一個世界，失去冠冕堂皇抄說讀寫的世界。我們可以活在這個苔綠色晦暗的圈養範圍裡，大口呼吸如花蕊清香綻放的年輕歲月。
    時間遲滯在那短短十分鐘的下課，我們某類迫切的熱情卻依然流動不止。
    或許我們在一次一次的停駐中，早已忘卻被暫擱於另一頭教室對於升學的焦慮。一整日面對數字絕望地荒度後，倚坐在樓梯扶手邊，搭著她或她的肩膀，比量彼此腳的大小、手指的粗細，然後就可以縱意大笑，再了無憾恨地起身。
    然而，當我用掌心拍落褲面上意外沾黏的塵絮，雙膝撐起，指腹壓附於壁上，緩緩下樓時，心裡翻騰不已的究竟是什麼？是些接近於何種激昂的情緒，為何返家途中經過這個地方，我能夠不厭其煩地獨杵於梯下，望著暉光遍地的階面，感到心底一陣悲切莫名？
    而我，終究脆弱不堪，即便擁有這些分外香甜的群聚時刻。
    我曾經明白地在促狹的空間裡告訴她們家裡的狀況嗎？還是我曾意有所指，說我不想回家？因為我再也無法承受如此殘忍地目睹母親不知何緣故急遽消瘦的身軀？或者因母親的面容在我駭懼的窺視下，像全部表情被惡狠掏空般，氣色盡失僵硬木然，所以我才會愣坐於桌前攤開書本猛發手汗？她會頓時領會我對此種情況無能為力而異常焦躁的心情嗎？我是否得呆耗在延亙如長流的病懨時光下，悲慘地發現其實我一直是孤然的過活著？
    那樣一個深刻的生命場景。
    我試圖在畢業不久回到那個地方。也試圖倚坐牆邊，緊縮眉頭揣想當時不同角度下，光線映射的位置。我仍舊感覺得到每一回我站在這裡，心頭纏繞同時鬆懈又緊繃的複雜感受。我甚至推測當時必定對於可以奢侈而無所顧忌的集體散心時間感激到差點痛哭流涕。而這些我所珍視宛如意外竊取的貴重記憶，會和其他永恆的事物一樣，在我的價值裡永垂不朽，而我那在此憂憤抑鬱中培育的纖細價值，也會停留在層層斑駁的階上，成為我日後歷經試煉而成熟卻尚可回身追尋最最青澀的註記。

    ]]>     http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/2382284.html http://blog.roodo.com/melc1/archives/2382284.html 這個世界啊。 Sun, 29 Oct 2006 14:43:55 +0800