Juicybear's Playground -- Alone with Everybody

Blur - Tender


“ 在靈魂的漫漫黑夜中，每一天都是凌晨三點鐘。 ”
“ In a real dark night of the soul it is always three o'clock in the morning, day after day. ”
F. Scott Fitzgerald - The Crack-Up (1936)

我養了一隻鬼，最近總在夜裡來拜訪我。
我問他：為什麼是我？為什麼是現在？
鬼笑：為何不？妳總在問為什麼，
有太多事沒有源由，為何這件事需要理由？

我笑：我的鬼說的好，
如果夜晚可以無限延伸，你能常來陪我，那也不錯。
鬼笑：那是不能，妳也知道，我總是忙碌，妳也總是忙碌。
我默然：我並不忙，也許我該忙，但卻沒有......。
鬼笑：我不這麼覺得，妳很忙，妳總是在忙，忙得心神不寧，忙得無力顧及。.....
天亮時我看到你，妳在那端奔跑；黃昏時我看到你，妳已在另一端；
只有夜晚時勉強停下來喘口氣，我才能稍稍碰到妳，
妳匆匆的跑，就像隻迷途的獸，連我都未必追得上，妳說，妳豈不忙碌？

我說：對不起，我不是故意這樣的。......
鬼說：妳不用跟我道歉，妳知道，我不在意的；
更何況，妳向來就是這樣的，不是嗎？
我說：但我很怕，我不知道為什麼最近我總是心慌意亂的。......
彷彿有些事就要發生，但我不知是什麼。......
有時我聽見人叫我，但我無法回應；
我知道我至少該跟他們說點什麼，但就是做不到。......
鬼說：那也是沒辦法的事，所以我來，讓妳好過一點。
我說：你來，是要寬慰我嗎？
鬼笑：妳怎麼想都可以，其實是怎樣都沒關係的，妳知道。

我說：但現在我有種莫名的恐懼，即使和你在一起，這種感覺仍然強烈......，
有時我怕得心口像要跳出來一樣，有時又緊繃的想要尖叫，這到底是怎麼一回事？
鬼說：我不能回答妳這種問題，但在我看來，這一點都不奇怪，
如果妳不是這樣，我還不會來呢！
每人有每人的路，妳把妳的走完，就是這樣。

我：所以怎樣都好？只要能走到終點嗎？
鬼說：我們還有無數個夜晚可以討論這個問題，不過在此之前，
妳要不要先打個招呼？也許有人不知道妳的狀況，還在默默的等妳回應？

好吧！既然我的鬼都這麼說了，那麼讓我來懺悔一下......。
如果最近我有點冷漠，有點失聯，那是因為我忙著許多奇奇怪怪的事，
也許是正匆匆急著往下個地方去；也許是正和我的鬼開懷暢飲；
也或者是因為......不，我也不知我會在做些什麼，
不過別介意，總之你不會想遇到現在的我，認真來說，我也不想被遇到。......

這種狀況，我也很抱歉，雖然這種抱歉未必有意義，不過絕對真誠，
雖然即使真誠，也未必值得被接受。但總之......，不，我也沒有更多好說的，
或是更好的辦法了，你知道......。


【後記】
我也不知道為何分享Blur這首歌（笑），
雖然這的確是我一直很喜歡的一首歌，很多個夜晚（通常是頭昏腦脹的夜晚），
這首歌都會莫名溜進我腦中，不斷吟唱。......我很喜歡那句歌詞：
I'm waiting for the feeling, waiting for the feeling to come. (That's what I'm doing~ baby...... )
不知道自己在幹嘛～唉...... 真是可恨的，惱人的，又無比溫柔的夜晚啊！

又：首句歌詞Tender is the night來自於濟慈（John Keats ）"Ode to a Nightingale"（夜鶯頌）中的詩句，
同時也是費兹傑羅（F. Scott Fitzgerald）小說 Tender is the night（中譯：夜未央）的題名，
我想他們果然很瞭解夜晚的魅惑、矛盾與空寂吧！（感謝我的鬼，不然真不知這些夜晚該怎麼過？......
雖然大部分的時候，即使有他在，我也還是覺得不怎麼好，甚至更糟？......）


--
【補充1】
Ode To A Nightingale 夜鶯頌
by John Keats 濟慈 （Youtube上有人聲誦讀）

My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains
My sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk,
Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains
One minute past, and Lethe-wards had sunk

我的心痛，困頓和麻木
毒害了感官，猶如飲過毒鴆，
又似剛把鴉片吞服，
一分鐘的時間，字句在忘川中沉沒

'Tis not through envy of thy happy lot,
But being too happy in thine happiness,--
That thou, light-winged Dryad of the trees
In some melodious plot
Of beechen green, and shadows numberless,
Singest of summer in full-throated ease.

並不是在嫉妒你的幸運，
是為著你的幸運而大感快樂，
你，林間輕翅的精靈，
在山毛櫸綠影下的情結中，
放開了歌喉，歌唱夏季。

O, for a draught of vintage! that hath been
Cool'd a long age in the deep-delved earth,
Tasting of Flora and the country green,
Dance, and Provencal song, and sunburnt mirth!
O for a beaker full of the warm South,
Full of the true, the blushful Hippocrene,
With beaded bubbles winking at the brim,
And purple-stained mouth
That I might drink, and leave the world unseen,
And with thee fade away into the forest dim

哎，一口酒！那冷藏
在地下多年的甘醇，
味如花神、綠土、
舞蹈、戀歌和灼熱的歡樂！
哎，滿滿一杯南方的溫暖，
充滿了鮮紅的靈感之泉，
杯沿閃動著珍珠的泡沫，
和唇邊退去的紫色；
我要一飲以不見塵世，
與你循入森林幽暗的深處

Fade far away, dissolve, and quite forget
What thou among the leaves hast never known,
The weariness, the fever, and the fret
Here, where men sit and hear each other groan;
Where palsy shakes a few, sad, last gray hairs,
Where youth grows pale, and spectre-thin, and dies;
Where but to think is to be full of sorrow
And leaden-eyed despairs,
Where Beauty cannot keep her lustrous eyes,
Or new Love pine at them beyond to-morrow.

遠遠的離開，消失，徹底忘記
林中的你從不知道的，
疲憊、熱病和急躁
這裡，人們坐下並聽著彼此的呻吟；
癱瘓搖動了一會兒，悲傷了，最後的幾絲白髮，
青春蒼白，古怪的消瘦下去，後來死亡；
鉛色的眼睛絕望著；
美人守不住明眸，
新的戀情過不完明天。

Away! away! for I will fly to thee,
Not charioted by Bacchus and his pards,
But on the viewless wings of Poesy,
Though the dull brain perplexes and retards
Already with thee! tender is the night,
And haply the Queen-Moon is on her throne,
Cluster'd around by all her starry Fays;
But here there is no light,
Save what from heaven is with the breezes blown
Through verdurous glooms and winding mossy ways.

去吧！去吧！我要飛向你，
不用酒神的車輾和他的隨從，
乘著詩歌無形的翅膀，
儘管這混沌的頭腦早已跟隨你，
夜色溫柔，而月后
正登上她的寶座，
周圍是她所有的星星仙子，
但這處那處都沒有光，
一些天光被微風吹入幽綠，
和青苔的曲徑。

I cannot see what flowers are at my feet,
Nor what soft incense hangs upon the boughs,
But, in embalmed darkness, guess each sweet
Wherewith the seasonable month endows
The grass, the thicket, and the fruit-tree wild;
White hawthorn, and the pastoral eglantine;
Fast fading violets cover'd up in leaves;
And mid-May's eldest child,
The coming musk-rose, full of dewy wine,
The murmurous haunt of flies on summer eves.

我不能看清是哪些花在我的腳旁，
何種軟香懸于高枝，
但在溫馨的暗處，猜測每一種甜蜜
以其時令的贈與
青草地、灌木叢、野果樹
白山楂和田園玫瑰；
葉堆中易謝的紫羅蘭；
還有五與中旬的首出，
這啜滿了露酒的麝香薔薇，
夏夜蠅子嗡嗡的出沒其中。

Darkling I listen; and, for many a time
I have been half in love with easeful Death,
Call'd him soft names in many a mused rhyme,
To take into the air my quiet breath;
Now more than ever seems it rich to die,
To cease upon the midnight with no pain,
While thou art pouring forth thy soul abroad
In such an ecstasy!
Still wouldst thou sing, and I have ears in vain--
To thy high requiem become a sod.

我傾聽黑夜，多少次
我幾乎愛上了逸謐的死亡，
在如此多的沉思之韻中呼喚她輕柔的名，
編織成歌，我無聲的呼吸；
現在她更加華麗的死去，
在午夜不帶悲傷的飛升，
當你正向外傾瀉靈魂
這般的迷狂！
你仍唱著，而我聽不見，
你那高昂的安魂曲對著一搓泥土。

Thou wast not born for death, immortal Bird!
No hungry generations tread thee down;
The voice I hear this passing night was heard
In ancient days by emperor and clown:
Perhaps the self-same song that found a path
Through the sad heart of Ruth, when, sick for home,
She stood in tears amid the alien corn;
The same that oft-times hath
Charm'd magic casements, opening on the foam
Of perilous seas, in faery lands forlorn.
Forlorn! the very word is like a bell
To toll me back from thee to my sole self!
Adieu! the fancy cannot cheat so well
As she is fam'd to do, deceiving elf.
Adieu! adieu! thy plaintive anthem fades
Past the near meadows, over the still stream,
Up the hill-side; and now 'tis buried deep
In the next valley-glades:
Was it a vision, or a waking dream?
Fled is that music:--Do I wake or sleep?

永生的鳥啊！你不為了死亡出生！
飢餓的時代無法把你蹂躪；
這逝去的夜晚里我所聽見的
在那遠古的日子也曾為帝王和小丑聽見；
可能相同的歌在露絲那顆憂愁的心中
找到了一條路徑，當她思念故鄉，
站在異邦的谷田中落淚；
這聲音常常
在遺失的仙城中震動了窗扉
望向泡沫浪花
遺失！這個字如同一聲鐘響
把我從你處帶會我單獨自我！
別了！幻想無法繼續欺騙
當她不再能夠，
別了！別了！你哀傷的聖歌
退入了後面的草地，流過溪水，
湧上山坡；而此時，它正深深
埋在下一個山谷的陰影中：
是幻覺，還是夢寐？
那歌聲去了：我醒了？我睡著？


--
【補充2】Blur - Tender
Lyrics by Blur

Tender is the night
Lying by your side
Tender is the touch
Of someone that you love too much
Tender is the day
The demons go away
Lord I need to find
Someone who can heal my mind

Come on, come on, come on
Get through it
Come on, come on, come on
Love's the greatest thing
Come on, come on, come on
Get through it
Come on, come on, come on
Love's the greatest thing
That we have
I'm waiting for that feeling
I'm waiting for that feeling
Waiting for that feeling to come

Oh my baby
Oh my baby
Oh why
Oh my
[x2]

Tender is the ghost
The ghost I love the most
Hiding from the sun
Waiting for the night to come
Tender is my heart
For screwing up my life
Lord I need to find
Someone who can heal my mind

Come on, come on, come on
Get through it
Come on, come on, come on
Love's the greatest thing
Come on, come on, come on
Get through it
Come on, come on, come on
Love's the greatest thing
That we have
I'm waiting for that feeling
I'm waiting for that feeling
Waiting for that feeling to come

Oh my baby
Oh my baby
Oh why
Oh my
[x2]

Come on, come on, come on
Get through it
Come on, come on, come on
Love's the greatest thing
Come on, come on, come on
Get through it
Come on, come on, come on
Love's the greatest thing
That we have
I'm waiting for that feeling
I'm waiting for that feeling
Waiting for that feeling to come

Oh my baby
Oh my baby
Oh why
Oh my
[x2]

Tender is the night
Lying by your side
Tender is the touch
Of someone that you love too much
Tender is my heart you know
For screwing up my life
Oh lord I need to find
Someone who can heal my mind

Come on, come on, come on
Get through it
Come on, come on, come on
Love's the greatest thing
Come on, come on, come on
Get through it
Come on, come on, come on
Love's the greatest thing
That we have
I'm waiting for that feeling
I'm waiting for that feeling
Waiting for that feeling to come

Oh my baby
Oh my baby
Oh why
Oh my
[x2]