This picture is originally from HERE.

(繼續閱讀...) ]]> http://blog.roodo.com/itismyself/archives/1748636.html http://blog.roodo.com/itismyself/archives/1748636.html Life in English Tue, 13 Jun 2006 10:48:59 +0800

You're Greg. You're crazy and fun. There is always something going on with you.

Please refer to Which CSI are you?

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I used to make up stories about you, about us, about the things that are supposed to happen around us. Sometimes too many stories and too pathetic, I almost cannot keep track with which is real and which is not. I indulged myself with these fairy tales but learned at very beginning not to anticipate too much so there will be no disappointments. 

Gradually, I started to separate the fantasy from reality although I never showed to anyone that how much I would love to make the fantasy become reality. I know these non-senses are just like the rainbow in the sky but I cannot help to build up these dreams in my little head and wish one day, if I prey harder, the dreams will be no longer dreams. 

For a long period of time, I only lived with what’s going on around me. Occasionally you would pop up in my mind but there is not much effort to get ride of you in a split second. I do not need you in my life regardless what other people might say.  I am aware of what they are going to say but I do not care. After all, this is my life and I am the one who decided what’s needed and what’s not. 

However, I know you are still in my thoughts otherwise I will not be doing what I am doing right now.  Sometimes I allow myself to think of you, to think what you might be doing and how you have been? Thinking of you as an old friend who lost in the whole wide world cannot be found again.   

Was it hard that you made that decision to leave? Did you volunteer to go or were you forced to go? I have been told not to ask too many questions so the answers to these questions I will never know. Besides, what you might be telling me is not necessary what really happened back then.  The answers do not mean anything anyway because the damage has been done and nothing you can do to change it.  

I used to think of you with an aching heart. The keyword is I used to.

Picture Courtesyof Garden Resort Fiji

People are afraid of unknown because they focus on the risks around the corner but the rewards they might gain by moving forward.  Seeking challenges or adventures is the nature hidden in everyone’s blood stream and it only depends on if you take this part of desire serious enough to make the move. Many people who choose to stay in the comfort zone are the ones who calculate the risks before the rewards.

We often ask ourselves too many “what if” questions when we see a different path represents itself in front of us. The devils only live in the dark. The uncertain character of these “what if” questions in many cases will only put us off the might-be great adventures a step away. There are no 100 percents of rewards or failures. We can only try and make the most out of it sometimes the experience itself is as worthwhile. 

I saw myself as kind of adventures person who was like many others have ever made some good or bad decisions in life. Occasionally I asked myself what I have got myself into but in the other hand, I have gained some valuable experiences regardless it is the failure or success at the end. Somehow with the steady life progressed, I have lost this part of me, replaced with the one who choose to stay in the comfort zone most of the time although the achievements I have accomplished so far are still visible which I shall happily give myself credit for.  

Mr. T and I, one is a certified professional deep-sea diver and the other specialized in tourism management could have easily bought a dive shop in one of the tropical islands in the dream tourism destinations. We could have achieved this goal financially but not up for scratch mentally. The only thing holds us back is the devil that cries out loud from the uncertainty lying ahead.  

We worried that we could not take good care of our children so we choose not have any; we could lose all the money in the drainage so we choose not to pursuit this move. We are the devils in one way that confined ourselves in the same spot and then complain why the life is so ordinary.  

There are thousands of people around the world are going thoughts the same struggles like us. The unknown could be the beauty of life because it adds some spices into it. No matter what we have got ourselves into at the end, at least we are brave enough to give it a go and this is what life is all about. No pain no gain and life is too short to just sit around without doing anything so I guess we will see you one day in an exotic tropical island. We will of course prepare the best room with sea view and best cocktails awaiting your arrival. 

The dream come true would be only one step away.

When the high-ranking official irritates certain people, we, the powerless one, normally are the one who have to suffer and sacrifice. Human Right issue is every politician’s must mention topic, but China still has been rewarded to host 2006 Olympics. Ignorance of Human right is the foundation of Terrorism. As the governor of people, what China has done is no further than what’s happening in London.

When I am watching the news regarding London Blasts, I cannot help but see the image of Tiannmen Square incident happened not even a decade ago. The people who are responsible for this attack is the same make up of the one who has forced their way into the world. They can walk on dead bodies to get what they want regardless. Rwanda has also been forgotten by the world.

Thousands of citizens who have been killed by the people who are supposed to take care of them. Till now, there are still many women who live under terrors every single day. Who cares? Who voices?

England will be all right. They will recover from this tragedy fairly quickly because they are one of the powerful countries in the world. The mental trauma will remain but people would move on and seek the revenge one day when the opportunity comes. This is how the world works and nobody to blame.

The terrorists are throwing the tantrum on all of us because they believe this is the way to get attention and to be noticed and to terrify the rest of the world in order to have their own way. When the politicians failed to make the future better, they are abusing the privilege, which has been given from all of us via election.

I feel for the people who happened to be there to witness these terrible dramas. I am sitting here writing with a cup of hot coffee in the bitter winter. I know I am lucky and I wish I could pass this luck to other people who are less fortunate. I hope for a better future for all of us.

This time last year, I was just being granted the work permit, which I was longing for. Now I have a stable job and a sense of stability of life. We have gone a long way. Life is full of ups and downs but we managed to get here all right.

Since we have Wolfey, life seems to be lighten up a bit or probably because of my busy daytime job, I am calmer and feeling more peaceful. Now it is half past 6 and I have just finished cooking the dinner. Sitting down by the kitchen table, listening to the television with a glass of red wine and of course with Wolfey lying by the fireplace, the conversation with myself begun.

Before I met my husband, I once ever prioritized the countries on the list I would like to visit like everybody might have done. New Zealand never appealed on the list. There are still a lot of frustrations when comes to deal with Kiwi stereotyping misconceptions but letting it go lightly has helped me getting on with the life I want painlessly.

There is 1 in 5 women suffered from depression in New Zealand, I am proud to say that I am not the one. Being thousands of miles away from home, the hardest part is that I am not able to fulfill the responsibility and the duty I have towards my own family. Call me traditional or old fashioned, but time is ticking by, if I do not get hold of each opportunity that comes in my way, that would be the biggest regret till the day I close my eyes for good.

Today, the first duty in Citizen Advice Bureau since a while ago, one German lady came in to ask where to seek a job she enjoys, as she once was a kindergarten teacher dealing with special needs children in Germany. She was advised to redo her qualifications again in the University but she cannot afford it. I saw myself in her for split seconds so I did all I can to let her know that there is will there is a way.

Another article of nonsense. I am glad that I caught a few moments to review the life and myself. Life is short, play hard. I am loving it.

We always want to have a dog but just didn’t find the time or courage to really look for one. Last Saturday, we decided to go for walk, so we went to SPCA which is temporary home for the streats dogs and cats. When we got there, the smell coming from inside of SPCA was just over-whelming. We know actually the treatment for these street dogs and cats in SPCA is better than some other homes that they have stayed but just felt sorry for these dogs.

It didn’t occur to us that we would see so many innocent animals in the cages. All of them looked sad and hopeless.  Mr. T has a big heart for animals especially dogs.  He always said that the dogs don’t ask much, a place to sleep and some attention form the family.  They could do anything for you even die for you.  But for us human beings, we are worthless in this sense.

 I remembered when we got to the room, there is a dog sitting inside of the cage, when she saw Mr T, she turned her back to us and look scared.  Mr. T usually gets along with any kind of dogs, but this one obviously has some unknown problems with a man who is tall and wearing a hat. Probably she has been beaten by the big man wearing a hat. It has broken my heart to see what they have done to an innocent dog.

We looked around and finally when we got to the end of house, we saw a little fellow who is the smallest of them all but a good jumper. He was very energetic and excited to see the visitors.  It was just kind some kind of connection between this little fellow and us especially with me. We took him for a walk and he didn’t even try to please us. He did his thing and was excited to be out for fresh air.

 At the end, we took him home, a Fox Terrier with attitude. We renamed him as Wolfey who was a beloved dog of Mr. T’s family.  We are happy to make a tiny different to these whole abandoned street dogs situation and hopefully we could improve this little fellow’s life as mush as he does to us.

I have been extremely busy at work for almost 2 weeks and the condition will not be improved until American students group waved goodbye to New Zealand host families at the end of August. I am not complaining but just saying it is a lot of work loads to take in all of sudden.

The “layback” attitude of Kiwis says it all when I am dealing with each school.  I have always thought the teachers should be the responsible ones but I am so wrong. The group is arriving within 1 week; I still have not received any information from the school. The messages are never been returned. I do not know if I work to fast for them or they are just too bloody slow.

Hopefully I could meet the deadline, although I do not get much cooperation from the schools. I am getting there slowly but steadily, fingers crossed.

The life outside of work seems to be brighter comparing to the above situation. We have just installed the new gas cook top as you can see from the picture attached which I always wanted. We have bought this gas cook top almost 1 month ago but just could not find any gas fitters to do the fittings because it is high demand of gas fitters in winter time. Finally we have found one professional and certified gas fitter and we both are happy with his work.

Mr. T is on afternoon shift this week so we could not see each other more than 2 hours each day.  I am starting to get used to this kind of time difference between his and my work but luckily it is only for one week of each month.  

Life is getting better and better at this end of world, but things seem to get worsen at the other end.  There is something happened out of my control and I cannot do anything about it. It is very hard to watch them falling apart.

This is life, isn’t it? Life is just like the roller coast. Welcome the happiness and embrace the sadness with the other arm. I am not a religious person otherwise I could knee down preying for the rescue from the God with the silly dance hands up in the air.

Time for a cigarette but I left mine at home purposely. So the time for cigarette becomes the time for discipline.  How do I know the tragedy will not turn into the happy ending?

No one knows what the future have in store for me?  Let’s just make the most out of it.

“Barmy Army has arrived” has been the top headliner since this season of rugby game kicked start almost 2 weeks ago. Every sector of tourism industry in NZ has been benefited from this huge wave. 

The so-called Barmy Army is the passionate Lions fans who follow the national rugby team, The Lions, from Britain to New Zealand.  Since the English navigator Captain James Cook sighted New Zealand on 6 October 1769, New Zealand and England have formed the complicated relationship ever since. Some of the residents view England as a mother land and some do the other way. When the Barmy Army and New Zealand All Blacks supports come together, there are a lot of comparisons going on underneath the table.   

The majority of New Zealanders are more conservative when it comes to the game. They do not shout out loud like Barmy Army does, at least New Zealanders do not produce some silly songs like some silly English men do.  They consider the rugby match as a competition rather than a game from Barmy Army’s point of view. Because they are too serious about wining or losing, they could not relax to enjoy the game.  

Before the Barmy Army arrived, this is not the issue. But according to the analyses of sport psychologists, when the team cannot feel the supports from the audience, it could increase the chance of losing.  So the Rugby Unions started some campaigns to change the attitude of All Blacks supports when they are watching the game. 

First of all, every All Blacks supporter has to put on the black rubbish bag before going into the stadium so if All Blacks cannot hear the supports from the audience, at least they can “see” it. (The jersey for All Blacks is of course black and for Lions is red).   In Auckland, they even decide to exclude the Barmy Army from some of the reserved areas only for All Blacks supporters.  

Those statements sound paranoid to me and it proved the truth once again that New Zealand is a racist country whether they like to admit it or not. I am an All Black supporter myself but I do not see these restrictions are necessary. Everyone has different way of expressing themselves.  

Why forces someone to behave like you? Why not open your arm to welcome different culture into this country? These are the questions I really want to know.

Recently, Asian population in NZ becomes the headliner again especially after the kidnapping and other major crimes committed within Chinese community.  One of the respectful politicians, Winston Peters, has released party's immigration policy. The statement he has announced during a press conference as follows: 

1/ Release the commitment for 45.000 immigrants.

2/ Creating a “Flying Squad”.

3/ Creating an undesirable category. (DNA testing)

4/ Accept the refuges but not their extended family.

5/Regulate and license the immigration consultant. 

He also mentioned” Sometimes when you walk down the Queen Street Auckland and wonder if you are still in New Zealand or other country in the world”.  He asked for protection of New Zealand identity.   

What is New Zealand Identity? Most of people who are living in New Zealand now were once immigrants from England, Ireland, Scotland and other parts of world. Only thing they have in common is the pale skin and lighter-color hair.  Some “Asian-looking” New Zealanders could have been born here because their ancestors choose to come to NZ for the gold mining at the beginning of this century. For them, New Zealand is the country they feel attached to and the home they come to.  

Because we look different than their pale skin and lighter-color hair, we have been forced to feel out placed. 

I am a new comer to this city and have not attached to this country as mush as I have to my mother land however because I decided to come here to start a new life, here is another home to me.  My life would be easier if the people who come to NZ before me could have an open-mind for the diverse society. 

I agree with Winston Peters that NZ should set up a standard for the new immigrants in the future that could benefit both sides as hopefully by doing this, we could lower the crime committed rates and better quality of life.   

People who are living in NZ should embrace different cultures and learn from each other. The goal for each of us is to make NZ a better place to live and without the cooperation from everyone, it is only the mission impossible. 

Hope tomorrow will be a better day for everyone on earth. The harmony within varieties of races would not be far ahead. At the end of day, no matter what color we are, we are all human beings who share the same human rights.

Picture: Today I came home after he has left to work, so he prepared the dinner for me on the table. Isn’t he sweet?

Since Mr. T started the new job, we have more time being apart. Being by myself was not a new thing to me before I met Mr. T. I moved out of my parents’ house when I turned 15. I put myself through college and then university by working after school. I used to be by myself and enjoy the solitude.

Things have changed after I met him especially after I moved to New Zealand. The first night being apart was the night before our wedding as according to the western custom, the bride and the groom are not supposed to see each other before the wedding. We followed the traditional way so he had to stay with my parents in law for a night. The second time we stayed apart was the weekend I went to Auckland for a girly days out with my girl friends. It was such an excitable adventure for me because we never spent a weekend away in these 3 years.

So I said I was not as strong as I thought I was. I felt that I have lost the independence. I am not the same girl who has done everything all by herself 3 years ago. By then, I had to look after myself because no one would if I failed to do so. Now the worries no longer exit, because I know he will be always there for me no matter what. It is not financial part that I am talking about; he makes me feel safe emotionally.

 Because of his new job, I started to feel that I am finding my old self back a bit. I started to notice besides all that; I have achieved many other things in these 3 years. I might have had less chance to be alone but it did not necessarily mean that I am not as independent as I was before. A small portion of me might have been abandoned by this marriage but I have also discovered a part of me who had no opportunity to show before.

The other benefit comes with his new job is we fight less because we treasure the time being with each other and there is no spare time for fighting or arguing. We both are strong-headed people and have strong faith in what we each believe in. Now we know there is a better way to deal with different opinions than trying to bite each other’s head off.

People have to move on, we might need to let go some old pattern of life or ideas in different stages of our life. I realize that I have just come out of the cocoon, which I build by myself. Plus the pay raise within the 6 months working for this company, there is something I have forgotten to give myself credit for.

The definition of life being good or bad is how you look at it.

Piture:www.yogavasistha.com/ mind.htm

I have been watching you very closely and I notice your mood changes rapidly lately ever since you received the email from home. I know you are worried and feel hopeless even though you know there is nothing you could do to stop her losing her job. When there is a will, there is a way. She is a very strong woman and she knows how to take care of her children and herself. The only thing you could do now is to make a phone call and let her know you will be always there for her if she needs you.

There are way too many “What-if” questions going through your head however you also know it is silly to predict what would happen in the future because you have no power over it. All you can do is just wait and see but this fact seems not enough to you. You wish to do something more than this but don’t know how.

I noticed that your “Drama queen” syndrome seems to be worsened and you are losing control of yourself. There are so many ways to have your opinions been heard. Being a drama queen will not get you anywhere. The people you are trying to communicate with will just shut themselves down. You are old enough to know a better way for efficient communication. You know what I mean but why you do not take this on board?

You forgot yourself. You have not talked to yourself for long time. You forgot that actually you are yourself biggest fan and you are the only one who will stand by you till the day you closes your eyes for good.  It is about time to take some time out for you.

You tend to push the people around you to the edge. You are playing with fire and that’s not very clever as you know they could just walk away from you one day and never return if this is what you want.  You always test the people whom you care the most. Are you afraid that the love they have shown for you is not real or you are just being an ungrateful child?

I do not know if these accounts I have observed from you could make a difference to you. I hope it does because I do not want to see you destroy everything you have. Life is never easy but it is always how you make out of it. An open-minded person will always gain more than what she expects. I know you can do a better job than what you have done now. You need to give yourself a chance to be happy and to enjoy the challenges/opportunities the fate have in store for you.

I have faith in you. Do you?? 

Pictures: We love children, but we are just not ready for this.

There is the debate between the doctors and the parents in the world that if it is a right thing to facilitate premature babies who have been born under 25-week pregnancy in the intensive care unit.

There are around 50% of these premature babies will develop the mental or physical disability or both before the age of 6 and the boys are twice as likely as girls. In Holland, the government had made a new law to stop facilitating these premature babies who have been born under 26-week pregnancy.

The argument between these two parties is one believe the increasing survival rates do not represent the better chance of having normal/non-handicapped children in the future and the handicapped children will not only be the huge responsibility to the family but also the society. The other one believe no matter how normal or health the babies will be in the future as long as they are alive because the families will love these children regardless.

For my point of view, I would choose to end my baby’s life “in the name of love” than watch him/her struggle to live or have to rely on someone else all his/her life without knowing how to enjoy the quality of life. Some people might see this as selfish or cruel but I see this as the respect for life, not only for the baby’s, but also for the family and the society however I also understand why some family would choose the different path. If the decision is out of love and respect, it will always be the right one.

I know it is easy to say than done and probably we would change our mind very quickly when we are in that situation (hope not).

Just a thought as watching a TV show called “ Miracle baby grows up”.

I have been reading a book called Woman 2 Woman – New Zealand women share their experiences of career and businesses by Amanda Ellis & June McCabe published by Random House. It has got me thinking especially when I get to the first quick quizzes of this book regarding the journey of finding what you really want. The question is as following:

Question: Imagine you’ve won an obscene amount of money on Lotto- so much you never need to work again if you don’t want to. What would you do with the money? How would it change your life and what would you choose to do or buy over the next 12 months? List your top ten in order of priority.

The question sounds interesting so I decide to let my imagination run wild after all I have got nothing to lose by doing this exercise, so let’s begin the journey of inspiring imagination. It is too difficult to prioritize the things I want while I am brainstorming so I will just write them all down by the flow.

First thing comes to my mind is eye surgery for vision correction (4) because I am sick of wearing glasses although my eye vision is not that bad. It would be much easier to see things with my own eye not an artificial one!! This is not the wildest dream but it is the most practical one.

Then it is probably the ability to speak every language in the world (2). My way of travelling is more like getting to know the lifestyle and the way they do things rather than taking a few pictures and going around some tourism attractions. I would prefer spend a couple of years there to be familiar with the culture, the traditional cuisines and the people. With the ability to speak their mother tongue could enable me to be part of them however the money cannot buy this ability, I believe the money I am allowed to have could get me a decent interpreter who could accompany me going places.

With the ability to speak the language, the next of course will be the ability of going around the world without financial concern (3). Wouldn’t it be nice that I am able to be Spanish or German or French or American etc for a period of time and be part of that society? I remember when Mr. T and I went to Maldives nearly 3 years ago, we had good time just talking to the locals, eating their traditional food and been embraced by the unique and fantastic culture of theirs. Nothing could compare to this.

 A dog educational & care centre with unlimited financial support in Taiwan (6) would be definitely on my dream list. By setting up this centre, I wish to educate the public that the street dogs deserve the respect and care like human beings and also to give these innocent dogs a home. Even the mercy killing is better than just letting these poor dogs running around the streets without proper food and shelter. Mercy killing is not a crime but abandonment is.

And I would also like to set up an organization that promotes cultural and eco-tourism (8), I believe it is the only way to preserve the earth and the culture that has been forgeten day after day by the fast-developing society.

Helping my family achieve whatever they wish for (1) is one of my goals without a doubt. It would absolutely be the first priority of all.

Buying a resort in the dream locations with wonderful motivated stuff working for me (5) could be the way to secure the future fortune and the perfect lifestyle. I enjoy working in tourism industry, meeting new people and entertaining. What would be better than working in this kind of environment if the resort were prosperous continually?

If I could develop the cure for all sorts of cancers (7) by the money given to me, I could be able to smoke again without risking my health. I know it sounds silly but I am very seriously and sincerely prying that my prayer could be answered one day.

It said on the book that it would only take 15 minutes to do this exercise, I have taken almost 3 hours to come up with these 8 options. The things have not been appeared to me could not be considered as important. The options I have mentioned above are those I care most and what are your answers to this question?

Picture: Reflection
I have been watching you very closely. I know every move you make and I know who you are better than you do to yourself. I do not intend to harm you but just am curious about you as another human being on the earth.

 We are so the same but so different. You dream a lot and you have been chased or been trying to run away most of the time in your dreams. You know the dreams will give away some of the thoughts you are not even aware of. You try to figure out what the dreams wish to tell you but in vein.

In fact, you hope to get to know who you are through your dreams.

You like to be in the spot light and you are the people person. You like to make people laugh. When the atmosphere is right, you know how to make everyone enjoy themselves via your company. But you have problems keeping friends around; you do not know why it happened.

You are being trustful and truthful to your friends all your life but seem to be unable to get along. You crave for companionship but do not bother socialising with people who are not your kind.

You are ambitious about the career but seem to be getting nowhere. You fairly enjoy your work now but still look forward to working in the bigger company where there would be more opportunity for promotion. You know clearly if you have got what it takes, you can have a great career wherever you choice to be but still have doubts (who does not?). You are looking for a sense of satisfaction either in your life or your career. Neither wealth nor fame could distract you from the job which you could fulfil the sense of contentment.

You have felt fit in a bit in this place as most of people here are as strong minded as you are. You look different but feel closer to yourself. You are adventurous and have itchy feet. You promise yourself to go places once a year and you decide to make it no matter at what costs. One minute you are on top of the world but the next you feel like such a looser. You wonder if you have mental illness (who has not had this thought once a while?).

You have a quick temperament and sometimes you are amazed at what has come out of your month but there is not doubt that you have a heart of gold. You are trying to be tough but actually you are not as tough as you would like to be. The carelessness and clumsiness really make you hopeless sometimes, especially when these avoidable accidents have something damaged. It is natural to blame yourself but would not it be better just being careful next time rather than feeling guilty afterwards. I

 hope by putting down the observations I have learned from you could be helpful to you to know who you are from other point of view. And there is not need to reveal myself. I am a friend who likes to help you and that’s all you should know.

Picture: Fantacy World

It was a shocker when I watched Oprah show yesterday regarding “ The Lifestyle - Swingers”. Suddenly I feel so old-fashioned and perplexed with what’s going with this new era.

At the beginning of the show, they were talking about there are more and more women having affairs because of the busy lifestyle and they started to feel drifted apart form their partners/husbands so they are eager to find the companionship outside of marriage. I wonder if it would be easier to get a divorce than having to lie to your partners/husbands but I guess it is the excitement of deceiving which attracts them to these dangerous games.

Although I do not agree with this idea, I can sort of understand the motive and the reason for this to be happened.

And then they have invited some “swingers” on the show to talk about this new “ lifestyle”. The interviewees were the ordinary couple living in the suburban of America. They have children together and have been in the “lifestyle” for 3 something years. They are not ashamed of the lifestyle they are leading at all. They talked about having sex with other couple openly and one of them even mentioned that there would be no problems for them to discuss this matter with their children. They suggested that this is the prefect way to keep marriage alive by having wild sex party once a while.

 I do not know what to think at all to be honest. I do not know how to explain this to the children that it is okay to have sex with other people while you are married. Where is the traditional value for marriage? Where is the respect for your life partner? Why is their no jealousy while you are watching your love one having sex with strangers?

I do not mean to be judgmental but the whole idea does not seem right to me. People are more open-minded with new age issues/matters such as divorce and affairs etc. Sometimes I wonder if it is bit over the top that the old traditions and values are not been honoured. Take “ Virginity” as example, in the good old days, the girls must be married before giving up their virginity but nowadays, there are more and more under age pregnancy happening in our society. Hard to say which one is “better”, but one thing I know for sure is the right and obligation for decision-making have not been taken seriously.

I do not believe it is a good idea for a kid to look after another kid and it is not fair for either one of them. I do not mean to be sounded like an old lady and start all whole “ good old day” lectures. I value the improvement and the progress we, as human beings on the earth, made but I also wish to preserve some old traditions that is worthwhile to let next generation now.

Just celebrated my birthday at beginning of this month, so probably that’s the reason why I started to relive every event that happened in the life now or in the past and tried to make sense of the whole “ meaning of life” thing.

There is no correct answer to this question. I always get different outcomes at different stage of life. I am not looking for an accurate answer but just a thought to be reviewed once a while and made sure I am still on the right track. Am I on the right track after all? I do not bloody know.