個人主義-雙重國籍-多樣人格

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Lawyer A: 「I have an identity crisis here, can you help me? 」

Lawyer B: 「I am all ears.」

Lawyer A: 「I always feel like a nuts. Since I joined this firm, I fell into the same category.」 

This is the English I’d like to learn, witty, sharp, humorous and straight up.  

In the school, all I have learned is how to put the vocabularies together.  

「How are you?」「I am fine, and you? 」

「What is your name?」「My name is Andy.」

「What is it?」「It is a book.」 

Without a doubt, these are the foundations of English but in fact it doesn’t help me at all when dealing with real life conversation. At school, I am trained to be polite, to use the most courteous wording, to listen well, to follow the grammars and to remember all the big words that I don’t even know what it means in Chinese.  

Speaking English without emotions, that’s what I have learned however no one to blame, at least the education in Taiwan opens a door for me to a bigger world. I am grateful for this and am also aware that it is still long way ahead of me if I would like to master this language. 

As for almost every aspect of my life, my ability to communicate in English is fairly sufficient. I can understand what other people say and be able to make myself understood. When it comes to ridicule someone or be ridiculed that frustrates me. Because I used to be eloquent and persuasive in Chinese, I can nail anyone to the ground when I choose to.  I have not mastered this ability in English yet.  

In the other hand, the reason why I am not comfortable at speaking up for myself is probably because I am afraid of losing the only paid employment. I was confident enough to the confrontation at work in Taiwan if I have to because I knew there were no difficulties to find another job.

Since I moved to New Zealand, this becomes my main concern. Financial independence is my security blanket even though my husband is willing to be sole bread earner if I decide to step down. I am sure it only takes time to get used to the lifestyle, culture and language. I am getting there slowly but surly.

【Picture courtesy of an unknown author】

Deep down, I know I am fortunate. 

The life overseas is not easy on me because of my sensitivity to my surroundings and my high expectation to my career but so far, I have accomplished a fair amount of tasks successfully with your understandings and caring. Thank you for not giving up the hope that tomorrow will be a better day and most importantly not giving up on me.  

I fight back a lot unconsciously when someone gets too close because this is the way I have learned to protect myself from being hurt emotionally. I cannot help but think that there might be no future for us because of my upbringings but you understand and don’t mind working harder to earn my trust. I appreciate your effort and will do my best in return. 

I have decided to let go all the doubts and insecurity because the time has come for me to be at ease with what has happened to my previous generation. Life is about stepping up and down the ladder. If I put my foot forward carefully and thoughtfully, I am the one who will bring myself to the brighter future, a future with your company. Life is also about making decisions in the intersections. If I trust you and myself enough, we can overcome any obstacles that come in our way. Take each day at a time; to appreciate and enjoy each other’s company is the only and the must in our lives together. 

Deep down, I know I am fortunate.

You are the man with few words. You’d rather show me what you have done than promising me a world.  I see it with my eyes and am moved by your sincerity. I will do my best in return.  

There are good days and bad days in our lives. Because of them, we understand each other’s boundaries and weaknesses, advantages and merits. We learned from them and moved on to a better future. There is still something about you, about me that we both don’t agree with but we live with it because that’s part of what we are. The great love is all about acceptance, compromise, tolerance and understanding. With those big words in mind, between you and me we know we will forget them easily. When we do, just take a look in our heart. We will find them again. 

Sometimes we both reckon the marriage has weakened us, as we are not as strong as we used to be. Now I realized that it is because we do not require putting on a mask in front of each other. This is us, sometimes marshmallow, sometimes tough and there is no need to hide behind the mask in our life. 

Deep down, I know I am fortunate, fortunate enough to spend a life time with you, for better for worse, for richer for poorer till death make us apart. 

You're Greg. You're crazy and fun. There is always something going on with you.

Please refer to Which CSI are you?

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I used to make up stories about you, about us, about the things that are supposed to happen around us. Sometimes too many stories and too pathetic, I almost cannot keep track with which is real and which is not. I indulged myself with these fairy tales but learned at very beginning not to anticipate too much so there will be no disappointments. 

Gradually, I started to separate the fantasy from reality although I never showed to anyone that how much I would love to make the fantasy become reality. I know these non-senses are just like the rainbow in the sky but I cannot help to build up these dreams in my little head and wish one day, if I prey harder, the dreams will be no longer dreams. 

For a long period of time, I only lived with what’s going on around me. Occasionally you would pop up in my mind but there is not much effort to get ride of you in a split second. I do not need you in my life regardless what other people might say.  I am aware of what they are going to say but I do not care. After all, this is my life and I am the one who decided what’s needed and what’s not. 

However, I know you are still in my thoughts otherwise I will not be doing what I am doing right now.  Sometimes I allow myself to think of you, to think what you might be doing and how you have been? Thinking of you as an old friend who lost in the whole wide world cannot be found again.   

Was it hard that you made that decision to leave? Did you volunteer to go or were you forced to go? I have been told not to ask too many questions so the answers to these questions I will never know. Besides, what you might be telling me is not necessary what really happened back then.  The answers do not mean anything anyway because the damage has been done and nothing you can do to change it.  

I used to think of you with an aching heart. The keyword is I used to.

Picture Courtesyof Garden Resort Fiji

I have been calm when those things happened back home. The life overseas is an easy one compare to what’s happening in the other part of world, where I care so deeply but hopelessly. What you have told me on Father’s Day when I gathered all the strength to make the phone call was an ugly reality which I have tried to avoid but failed to let go deep inside of my heart. How could I let go of that conversation when I am not sure if you are serious or just saying that to get my attention? Life or death is a serious matter to me even though you do not necessarily agree with it. After she past away, you are the most important person in the world to me regardless I am married or not. The relationship between you and me is the only and irreplaceable one no matter how old or how far away I am. I thought if I do not call, I would not have known but unfortunately the heart will not lie. I know you need someone who voices the supports and show you that some one does care about you. How foolish you are because you have pushed all the people who are around you and care about you the most away. How can I do to make you realize that there is still hope to make everything better in the future if you could just start to make the first move? They have done enough all those years and you know that or do you? I would love to have you around as long as the nature permits and love to introduce my kids to you if you allow it to happen. It is not easy to say this but I have been preparing myself for the worst nightmare to happen. This is what I do to protect myself because I care so much that I have no ideas what to do otherwise. It was wonderful to hear you laugh again when you found out that we have adopted a dog. I wish I could take you here to meet this little fellow and I wish I could take you to see more of the world with us. I believe we will and hopefully it will not be too far away. In the mean time, I want you to take good care of yourself even you do not bother doing so. You can disregard yourself if you want to but what about me? Picture: We walk toward to our happiness and future together.