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November 1,2006

【舊事重演】Me and my cigarettes


I have smoked again with relief at first and regret at the end. Cigarettes have been my so-called only “Friend” for so long; that I am not quiet sure if I notice it can only do me harm but nothing else. I just have to have a cigarette when I am feeling not right (meaning??). 

Today I have smoked again and I am blaming Mr. T for misinterpreting my good mean for reminding him not to put a piece of plastic on top of glass on our top cabinet in the kitchen. I just hate to see that everything falls down including one of his favorite beer jugs from Germany. And he reckons I am bossing him around AGAIN. 

Something like this happens in every couple’s life, ours is no exception. And I am totally confused about the difference of being thoughtful and bossy, if I should just keep my month shout at all time??? 

Of course there is ups and downs in every relationship, and now I would like to talk about our downs in this world that an explanation of what I want to do is not required. You can keep reading if you wish to or you can just skip this one to next article whichever interests you or you can just go away without coming back again.  

I have stopped smoking 2 years ago for one whole year. I figure the reason why I do not rely on cigarettes is I have a soft place to fall when I need it so there is no room for the so-called  “Friend”. And now the question for me is a definition of a soft place. I have literally got everything I would need, a loving husband (when we are not fighting, and it is about 50% of our marriage life. Is it normal?), a wonderful new career, a house to shelter me, a car to get me around etc, but there is an emptiness deep down in my heart that I know it has been there as long as I can remember.  

Yes, it is this Emptiness. This emptiness is eating me alive aggressively. Have you even felt the same way as I have?  

記於2004月十二月


Posted by itismyself at 樂多Roodo! │07:54 │回應(2) │引用(0) │舊事重演
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"記於2004月十二月" how old is this article? I was going to respond to Little Wolfrey's tragedy, but this title grabs my attention. I haven't felt the emptiness with Mark but what can I say since we are not married? I sincerely hope you don't feel this way since it's written two years from now. But, 50%? Really? That's kinda scarry...how is before married? 95%? haha...anyway, take care and I'll pray for Wolf.
Posted by Gillian at November 20,2006 13:35
* Hi Gillian: Ever since I can remember, there is always a feeling of emptiness within me. I don't think T or any of my previous relationships are the ones to blame.

Cigarettes used to be my emotional blanket but not any more I am very proud to say. In the past 2 years, there is only one smoke a day and almost 3 months ago, I stop smoking all together which I don't even feel the craving for it.

Emptiness is still there but it is okay to feel empty from time to time so it will encourage to give more and by doing so, I always receive more than I expected.
Posted by T&J at November 21,2006 03:40
  


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