<< You left, but have you ever existed? | 回blog首頁 | 一個人的旅行 >>

October 3,2006

Distance


I throw myself into this English-Speaking environment ever since I left her apartment. Leaving the vibrant and colorful food stalls and markets behind is hard but leaving that place is not. I am distancing myself from that unpleasant reality by immersing myself in English conversations, English books, English TVs and English Movies etc.  I am like a different person when I think and speak English. I am no longer the girl who is longing for her to return.  

I have been calm ever since I returned to this familiar place. I am able to pick up what is left 1 week ago with ease. Routine is something that I need at moment in order for me to figure out how I feel. It is terrifying to me that I don’t know how I feel.  Started with that first phone call, I lost contact with my own emotions and half of my world seems to be upside-downed. 

I could not say I am worried or heart-broken because she and I are just like distant relatives who meet probably twice in the lifetime. The memories that we both shared are not exactly cheerful. I know what I am supposed to feel as a certain rule in this society but unfortunately the truth is far from it.  

Every time when I mentioned this situation to the people who are close to me, everyone responded with a long pause first and something nice later, which irritates me. I feel that I have not met the certain expectations they have set up for me. When I said what I feel but not what they want to hear, they are trying to be nice by responding with a long pause in between our conversations. It probably means nothing but I feel the distance between them and I and the feeling that I am not understood is even more depressing. 

I am just confused. Everyone is being supportive. There is nothing I could ask for more. I am sure if I can just give it time, everything would be fine. My life would go on as usual like everyone suggested and I like to keep it that way too. 


Posted by itismyself at 樂多Roodo! │09:06 │回應(7) │引用(0) │Life in English
樂多分類：旅行 共同主題：個人主義-雙重國籍-多變人格 工具：編輯本文
Ads by Roodo! 

引用URL

http://cgi.blog.roodo.com/trackback/2225165
回應文章
http://98.to/新光銀行/ 東聊西聊不如有錢在手最好,保證90%可過件,留資料我們會與您聯絡
Posted by 網友 at October 3,2006 11:10
distance can be good for us to view things in a better way...
even I am not sure what you really try to say, but it is your thought, you will manage it, you can do it...
wish you the best, all we can do for you ^_*
Posted by linagnew at October 3,2006 20:19
* Hi linagnew:
My biological mom who I have not met for 13 years is now brian dead but I think I would be fine.
Posted by T&J at October 4,2006 04:52
Hi J,
I came upon your website today and just read about your trip to Taiwan and your mom..
Your trip back to Taiwan and even now, it must be so difficult for you... people cannot really understand or say the right things to comfort you.. So I just want to write you and let you know that at this moment I'm thinking about you and pray that in the near future, you might come to understand why everything had to happen the way they did..
I can only imagine that things must be real difficult when your mom left you when you were young.. You had to many things on your own and no matter who helped to take care of you, it's still different than your own parents. I also had some bad things that happened in my life. Even though my parents were not divorced til 2 yrs ago, they both had anger problems and fought so much. my sister and I left Taiwan in high school to study in the US, when people asked me how much I must miss my parents, the truth was I was so much happier not living with them. We struggled on our own although my parents supported us financially, emotionally I was so scarred. Their anger and control continued to affect me, I started to date people like my dad who were not reliable and some of them abusive. My parents were mad when they learned some of the problems I had, why I didn't tell them at the time. But I really couldn't knowing what their reactions would be.
Anyway, now I have met my other half and we were married 3 weeks ago. I am finally becoming an adult who can stand up to my parents and know that the mistakes that they did when they were young, they just didn't know better..
Anyway, I just want to let you know that at the other end of the world, I'm thinking about you. You are an inspiration to me for how brave you have been and have worked so hard to get to where you are today.
Posted by teresa at October 25,2006 09:47
* Hi Teresa: Thanks for your support. After reading your message, I feel like you are the only person here who understands what I am talking about and what I have gone through. It feels good to be comforted by the people who know what they are talking about.

I guess the trip back home is a chance for me to let go the past. I have moved on since I am back to New Zealand. Planning our future together and quite looking forward to it actually. My husband and I have been married for 3 years and in fact, today is our 3rd Wedding Anniversary. It is wonderful to know that you exist today.
Posted by T&J at October 25,2006 11:44
Happy 3 year anniversary! After I wrote the last message to you I couldn't find your website!! :( Today I finally got your website from Eva's website! haha..
I'm so glad to hear that you're doing better now and felt comforted by what I said and to have someone who might understand. It's so exciting to hear that you and your husband are happily planning your future together and enjoying each other. A lot of marriages aren't as "deep" and It's great that you don't have one of the "regular" marriage!
Since I last wrote you, I had been so stressed because of my in-laws... We are so nice to them but they keep pushing because of their insecurity... That puts my husband in a difficult situation. Anyway, I think we will be able to pass this difficult stage and I can be stronger dealing with them. I need to remember how long it took us to find each other! :D
Posted by Teresa at November 25,2006 07:09
* Hi Teresa: very good thinking girl. Always stay positive even when the situation is not that bright. I am sure there is always light at the end of tunnel. My husband is acutlly a very nice guy because any other people will not tolorent my short-temperness. He still sticks by me even when it gets hairy along the way sometimes. We just cope with each other. I am sure you and you husband would do the same to each other. Life is not always happy. It has ups and downs but don't give up just yet. It will always get better.

Things at home is looking good but my boss is being an a** lately. He just defend a new girl in front of me. 2 year loyoalty to this company went down the draind. We are planning to go to Eupope in 2008 for 3 to 6 months, before that it is not a good idea to quit since we need to get some money together for the trip and in the other hand, I like to save other good company when we come back so I just have to put up with it.

Just like I said, life is full of ups and downs. .. stick around..
Posted by T&J at November 25,2006 11:29


回最上方