個人主義-雙重國籍-多樣人格

I have come back to this place that I have called home alone with a reason. They said you have left but I am not sure if you have ever existed. I didn’t know how I would react because without this biological thread that still holds us together, you are simply a stranger to me.  

I would like to know why you left when I was so young. I would like to know how you think of me when you are alone. I would like to know if there are regrets in your life about me. On the plane/bus to you, I felt numb. The numbness started with the first phone call from my “aunt” who I don’t know much about. The numbness has been with me through out this journey, which is the only and may be the last time to find out what happened then, until I saw you lying in the Intensive Care Unit.  

I cried with the numbness during that very first time I saw you. I cried when I call you. These words sounded strange to me.  

They said I look so much like you. When I put on your clothes, they fitted me like it was tailor-made for me.  They said I behave, walk and talk like you even thought we never lived under one roof more than 1 year. They said what you were like and what you preferred. They didn’t say much about how you felt about me thought.  

Should I feel sad? I kept asking myself. They kept telling me not to feel sad. I so wanted to scream out that I don’t feel sad because I don’t even know how I felt. I still don’t know how I feel. 

The things that I have said to you during the last visit before I came back to this place that I now call home may sound bitter. That was the truth that I wanted to tell you. My life was hard when I was young. No one to turn to, no one to cry on. I have learned when I was very young that I need to be strong and tough so I am.  

You have left and I am no sure if you have ever existed. I am used to the life without you. Or I have been telling myself that I would be still all right without you being by my side. I am sad but there is nothing I can say.  

If there is a next life, I wish we could start all over again. No one would ever leave anyone behind. Let’s see what this love would be like.