晨為拂曉．霧成山嵐

to seek the heart inside
to save my heart for YOU

nur für dich

One single gray hair just brought me tears and reached the deepest sorrow. May I ask YOU what am I supposed to do? Do YOU still remember one of those Love songs I brought to YOU, talking about growing old together?

It's another exhausting day today not only because of going to bed late last night but the difficult article I just edited.

I knew it was YOU waking me up last night as I needed to remember breathing to feel the dream. And I also found that my breath was so heavy after awaked.

After the regular meeting today, I realized that some decision is not easy to make as I used to think. And I am not good at making that kind of decision. So, what have I exactly distributed to the publish in the past years?

23-Jan,

Coffee, tea or YOU made me unable to sleep well last night?

02-Jan-2012

Finally, I've finished reading "Pope Joan" last night. At the meanwhile, I still have tons of books to read, waiting there on the bookshelf. Shall I have some impression first? What kind of impression shall I have? I don't think the story is scared and I do know the tough love also mean a lot. Women had to work harder than nowadays that means we are indeed much luckier. Then what? Sure I thought about us because the tough love described in the story, but it doesn't matter if I can't share my true feeling with YOU. What really impressed me is I don't mind to end up like the story ending while ending life with tough love because it's enough already. Do YOU see that? Do YOU see what I saw?

難得有腳步輕盈的感覺，在下班時刻，結果竟是因為肩上的背包變輕的關係。
Damn traffic jam!

I just wonder, do I have enough time to copy all the pages to "für meinen J" from my little notebook? Since this crazy busy month started, I got little energy to do that after work. All I needed and wanted to do it totally empty my mind when I arrived home every day lately. Sometimes, it's just like talking to myself only. In that case, why bother?

The rain looked like has stopped for quite a while as the ground is so dry. It's said that we'll have a weekend with low temperature. Now it seems kind dry cold, which I personal prefer a lot. Have YOU ever experienced humid cold? Well, although Netherlands seems like rains all the time, I think it still has continental weather, doesn't it?

How cold will this winter be? Will it cold enough to remember me?

How come time is never enough to do lots of things needed to be done? Will it be the first time to travel with NB for checking some work? NO! It can't be so! I refuse to travel and think about job at the meanwhile.

This is a super busy month for cry sake. Although I've been out on weekend with friends, oh, just once on the first weekend this month. Another time is just hanging out with myself. And, it seems to once again work overtime this weekend as I still have two articles unfinished! Even though I'm going to have my holidays in less than two weeks. I don't think I'm able to totally relax during the trip, esp. when I've promised my colleague to come back on some specific day.

It's not difficult to analyze things and try to comfort my mom when she was depressed, but to myself, it's still hard to heal the wound.

I told myself do not be in the mood by the mistakes of editing stuff, but I was eventually. May I blame on the story I'm reading as it's not attractive to me?

Two films I watched yesterday evening are attractive enough to me, which are "Extraordinary Measures" and "You Don't Know Jack". Both are talking about serious issue as well. I guess at present I just don't need something easier. Laughter or fun is not "big" enough.

Weird, "Die Stadt der Träumenden Bücher" supposed to be interesting and it is, but I just easily got distracted for somehow, just like now on the way home, on a crowded bus in a heavy rain. It's an easy Thursday today I'd like to say as I've finally got some idea to edit some article which was not really fun by its original and I also had some easy chatting with my classmates from senior high and the graduate school. Funny thing is, it just reminded me of that I'm better at casual chatting with male friends than with female ones.

Depression is definitely an issue to me now, even though there is no official diagnose and I've tried my best to look normal when I was not alone.

The party I'm going to attend is sort of wedding party after wedding. The friends I met are quite special as we actually met on plurk. I'd like to say that it's a special place to meet people there only by chatting or murmuring every day.

「不要把別人對原住民的『知』當做自己的『知』，不要以自己對原住民有限的『知』，強行地『自我解讀』或無限地詮釋原住民」－－《真相．巴萊》

我想，這段話適用於許多地方，因為我們對人、事、物的無知程度對許多人來說，是不自覺的。當然，我會有嚴肅的感想，在讀了《真相．巴萊》之後，不因為書本身的嚴肅話題，更不用提那多次落淚所帶來的衝擊……不是沒有在閱讀其他小說的過程中感動或感傷落淚過，而此次，卻讓人無法確切形容落淚的情感為何？即使史實與已經看過的電影有某程度的連結，所謂的「哭點」卻不見得連結的起來。行筆於此，深感過多的情緒與感觸交錯，甚至嚴重干擾著亟欲表達的文字情感，或許我該說，腦子裡那該死的語言模式尚未開啟單一文法，邊寫著漢語卻又暗地偷開著英語思考邏輯，想用貼切的文字描述卻又早已習慣偷懶簡化的模式，到頭來搞的主軸模糊，因而無法順利完成這難得一見的非外語小筆記（連此刻都差點忍不住用note代替）。在我因漢語的書寫繁複而幾近放棄使用在平日的小筆記同時，會不會也是自我文化的一種失落？此時我不得不如此捫心自問。

But, the complicated characters really took me much more time to write, which also caused me write less.

It only took me around 2 days to finish reading a new book, the journal from the director of "Seediq Bale". Sure the whole journal described the process of making film mainly, but it also showed us the philosophy of the director. At the end, he also reminded us of the meaning of life due to the three young men who worked together passed away after the film completed.

Here comes the end of October, the month I used to like it a lot not only because of the weather but some sweet memory in the past.

"How about this October?" I asked myself.

Well, eventually got the decision for the travel plans yesterday evening. Now I need to pray that my parents won't have any fights in two months as they both are my partners for the traveling this time!

Really, I got to start planning the travel plans soon! It's almost end of October now, which means I got less than two months to plan.

Would YOU please kindly let me know if YOU still remember OUR anniversary today?

What matters? What really matters shouldn't be forgot. That's why I just couldn't remember something needed to be discussed on the meeting all the time if I didn't keep some notes.

I'm so glad that I got the chance to reply the letters to our readers as they all are so innocent and sweet to have some nice feedback. At the meanwhile, I realized that it became another opportunity to express some deeper ideas about what we'd like to share with the children.

May I go to Okinawa for my oversea travel this year?

Really, I've started to have this idea, as it's been quite a long time that I've not visited another country since last time in German and Czech in 2009.

13-Okt,

Why? Why did I wake up before the sunrise this morning? What did YOU do at the moment when I opened my eyes? Did YOU also think about the dates we used to have at dawn and the sunlight on me?

早上的鬧鐘響時，只有一個念頭：「不是才剛睡著，怎麼這麼快就得起床？」

是種熟悉的感覺，出遠門的前一晚，總會為了行李（明明就只有個背包）搞到很晚睡，然後卻又很認命的早起不賴床，是說這也算愛玩的代價就是！？

上回如此用漢語做隨筆又是何時的事了？當然那種online的不算，是去高雄+台南的那次嗎？五月底的那次？還是習慣使然，總歸一句話。

Today, I'll have lots of time to think and write. The most importance is, wow, it's the first time I travel alone here in my country! And, it's for hiking! It supposed to be fun and exciting to experience that as it's totally different from the very first time to travel solo. The very first time happened in 2006 with some sweet and beautiful memory in Netherlands, Italy and Germany. Everything looked so attractive at then and I miss that indeed. However, this time will be totally different I can see that before it starts.

Finally, I continued writing the impression about the film in Mandarin yesterday evening although it's still not finished yet until noon today. Besides, I thought that I needed some translation from the notes I just kept here cause it's quite the key idea to the whole picture, culture influence through the film, a film made by someone worked so hard with his insistence and the great team.

Shall I once again keep a note in English of the impression to "Seediq Bale"?

Yesterday, it's a family day for sure as we spent almost an half a day with our cousins except to sleeping hours. And, I even spent some time playing with my cousin's son, a five-year-old boy. I consider it's quite good to have the family gathering after my uncle's funeral although I didn't actually have much to talk. I was pretty enjoying the air with them. On the other hand, I realized that it's not difficult to play with a little child but lots of energy is required. Sure I've recalled the first time I played funny face with Mi. YOU said that I'm quite patient with people I like, which is absolutely true, and that shows YOU are so good at seeing me through.

Turned it out, I'll probably go to see "Seediq Bale II" by myself as my colleague is not available on Sunday.

While reviewing those pages I've written for YOU, I'm quite sure that my writings totally expressed what's on my mind. And, it surprised me sometimes as I didn't believe that I'm capable to do that in non-native language so well.

Turned it out, I still chose to back to office after seeing the film "Till You're Told to Stop". I such an urban like Taipei city, I have no attention to walk around casually at all. That's why I have no place to go but back to work this afternoon.

All the suddenly, I realized that my life is full with so much high standard that caused more crash in my life when things are not easy to reach the level I expected.

Always walking and taking bus while traveling freely even though here in Taiwan. It's still quite hot now in south of Taiwan, which made us easier to get tired. However, it's good to have suhch a short-term vacation for me. In that case, I don't mind to spend some time on waiting for bus or something else. On the other hand, I've discovered a new place to explore in Kaohsiung, which is a museum.

This morning, I awoke with scary surprise as it was almost 6 am, which means I might be too late to catch the train. I bet that I didn't hear the alarm clock. On the other hand, I did forget the charger, great!

There is another little trip starting from tomorrow. Funny thing is, I barely have traveled solo in Taiwan but I like to know myself by traveling alone in other countries, although so far I've been only visited Italy, Netherlands, and few hours in Germany by myself.

For searching the typical photos of Netherlands, I reviewed the beautiful memory in 2006 again yesterday. Maybe it's the reason I finally slept well last night. I miss the time there, I do.